I don't need drugs, I'm on a drug called LIFE (it's a depressant that makes you anti-social and weird).

I used to want to be famous so people would like me. Now I'm much more realistic. Now I want to be famous so I can be lonely in a nicer apt.

I wish straight marriage was illegal so instead of being lonely I could just be law abiding

Do you guys have any tips on how to make boys like me? Unwilling to change anything about my behavior or habits.

It's funny how when we give someone our # we still say "call me" when we really mean is "text me cuz if u call me I'll think ur psycho"

Siri, are street cats sad or do they have adventures?

Boys why u don't wanna date me I'm so cute and cool and funny and also skinny now you should date me #tweetiwillinstantlyregretbutpleasefave

My favorite part of any movie is when something weird happens and there's a close up of a dog looking confused

Rachel Coleman is listening to Whatever Music Keeps Her Roommates From Overhearing Porn Sounds on Spotify

i don't want to brag... but i have REALLY low self esteem

I'm having one of those days where I wanna really really really really zigga zigga ah, you know?

Today is my boyfriend's birthday, or as I like to think of it "check his Facebook wall screaming 'WHO IS SHE?!' all day" day.

Pick up line for dudes: girl, you must be the Higgs Boson particle because you're making me acquire mass... in my pants.

"Well I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number so call me maybe I won't leave you facebook wall posts about killing myself"

I think it would be fun to know which fast food places hate the Jews

Is this "old people dying in their apartments" weather yet?

The sky is straight up peacocking right now with this double rainbow shit. It's like okay, we get it, you're majestic.

Today a barista ASSUMED I wanted soy milk in my coffee. Was I just the victim of a hipster hate crime? Please advise.

I'm gonna tell my kids they can be whatever they want to be except for something that requires a graduate degree because don't be an idiot

I like eating sandwiches on a baguette because it feels like you're playing a flute. A delicious flute that you play by eating it.