Just me and the dog, two peas in a pod, she is such a masturbation hog.

I dislike people whose generosity come with strings attached.

Drumming the shit outta this steering wheel!

You can't buy Karma by starring the Dali Lama's tweets. Just saying...

If you are having an emotional moment at work please don't go in the ladies room to sob and cry. Christ, I'm trying to pee here!!

Get a plunger. Someone has clogged the twitter.

It was all I could do just to put clothes on today.

An ironing board and a toilet seat. Some of best birthday gifts I ever received from my EX-husband.

Knowing voodoo would make all this stabbing so much more effective.

Getting my oil changed and oh how I wish this was a euphemism...

Do you think I can create good sex karma in my new house by masturbating in every room?

Walking my dog. Man, she can swing her ass better than most hookers. She definitely thinks she is the hottest bitch on the block.

It freaks me the fuck out when I feel the person on the other side of the wall sit on the toilet - in the men's room.

My kids are with their dad this weekend so I'm stocking up on batteries and Flying Dog Raging Bitch IPA beer. Let the fireworks begin.

If I had known we were going to do this today I totally would have worn something different. *sigh*

There's a special place in heaven for people who flag me down to tell me that there is time left on their parking meter!

Sunday mornings are perfect for leisurely masturbation.

I train in a corn maze to prepare myself for each trip to Costco.

Coffee this expensive should get me laid because I know I sure feel fucked.

I've decided the best course of action for today is to just eat my way through.