Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Tip for ladies: B4 acting like a cunt, ask urself "Do I look like a supermodel?" If the answer is no, rethink your decision to act cunt-like
This really doesn't fit my personality very well. I need to find an antisocial networking site.
It turns out that going to a bar and bragging about the number of Twitter followers you have doesn't get you as much pussy as you'd expect.
Just because I'm a nice guy doesn't mean I won't pull your hair when I'm fucking you.
I'm not a racist, but I really don't like orange women.
New followers: It's tradition to offer me some sort of gift to honor me on your first day of following me. Get to it.
My sense of humor isn't really tongue-in-cheek. It's more like ass-to-mouth.
Just because your phone can play a song when it rings, doesn't mean it should.
A day without Twitter is like a day with productivity.
The mere sight of a douchebag wearing a backwards ball cap with sunglasses raises my blood pressure to dangerous levels.
There's only one thing better than a nap in my car at lunch - rubbing one out in my car at lunch.
My medication says to "store in a cool place". So I'm gonna keep it in this bar that I like to go to on the weekends.
Consider yourself star-fucked, bitches. I also spurted cum right on your Favstar page's face.
I'm sorry, but I just can't be in a relationship with a chick who won't send me a pic of her pussy.
I just rounded a corner at work...and bumped right into the receptionist! This incident will give me masturbation material for weeks!
I shouldn't make fun of people for worshipping professional athletes. At least professional athletes actually exist.
Most people lack the one single quality necessary for success - the ability to totally fuck over another person without feeling any regret.
I always ask my new followers to offer a human sacrifice in my name. I'm just fucking around, but I'm amazed at how many actually do it.
I just spilled the entire contents of a hole puncher all over my cubicle floor. Confetti everywhere. This is why I didn't get that promotion
Tall, bald, OCD, strange, funny, & charming. Grindhouse films, rockabilly, pinup girls, horror, tattoos, general weirdness. Follow me, or I'll follow you home.