Tip for ladies: B4 acting like a cunt, ask urself "Do I look like a supermodel?" If the answer is no, rethink your decision to act cunt-like

This really doesn't fit my personality very well. I need to find an antisocial networking site.

It turns out that going to a bar and bragging about the number of Twitter followers you have doesn't get you as much pussy as you'd expect.

Just because I'm a nice guy doesn't mean I won't pull your hair when I'm fucking you.

I'm not a racist, but I really don't like orange women.

New followers: It's tradition to offer me some sort of gift to honor me on your first day of following me. Get to it.

My sense of humor isn't really tongue-in-cheek. It's more like ass-to-mouth.

Just because your phone can play a song when it rings, doesn't mean it should.

A day without Twitter is like a day with productivity.

The mere sight of a douchebag wearing a backwards ball cap with sunglasses raises my blood pressure to dangerous levels.

There's only one thing better than a nap in my car at lunch - rubbing one out in my car at lunch.

My medication says to "store in a cool place". So I'm gonna keep it in this bar that I like to go to on the weekends.

I'm trying to save up enough stars to get the toaster oven from the @favstar catalog.

Consider yourself star-fucked, bitches. I also spurted cum right on your Favstar page's face.

I'm sorry, but I just can't be in a relationship with a chick who won't send me a pic of her pussy.

I just rounded a corner at work...and bumped right into the receptionist! This incident will give me masturbation material for weeks!

I shouldn't make fun of people for worshipping professional athletes. At least professional athletes actually exist.

Most people lack the one single quality necessary for success - the ability to totally fuck over another person without feeling any regret.

I always ask my new followers to offer a human sacrifice in my name. I'm just fucking around, but I'm amazed at how many actually do it.

I just spilled the entire contents of a hole puncher all over my cubicle floor. Confetti everywhere. This is why I didn't get that promotion