When I watch a stand-up comedian on t.v. I think "what a loser, they could be at home typing this stuff on twitter."

FUN FACT: The toothbrush was invented in Arkansas, if it would have been anywhere else it would be the teethbrush.

Too bad all girls can't be happy on the rag like the ones in the tampon commercials.

I wore this shirt yesterday but I didn't see anyone that I work with so I'm gonna wear it again.

I bought these lightweight running shoes and I still don't feel like running, next time I guess I'll just buy some meth.

Half of my tweets don't show up, its like Favstar has a unfunny bullshit filter.

I think twitter has put a 4 star per tweet limit on my account. Or I'm just not that funny.

I'm still sore from that pushup I did yesterday

Only Judy can Judge Me.

If you can't say anything nice, join Twitter, they hate nice people.

When I'm sitting in the breakroom and someone walks in I wish they wouldn't say something. I'm tired of acting like I didn't hear it.

Who the fuck is Wendy Williams and how did he get his own show?

I can't wait for the next live twitter melt down

Do you kiss your preacher with that mouth?

I know "kissing cousins" is cute for babies but it's been 20 years and he still wants to make out with me.

In 30 years there should be a reality show with all of the babies from "I didn't know I was pregnant" and call it "Toilet Babies"

Some news anchors should have retired before there was High Definition

If you imagine all of my tweets being spoken in a Mitch Hedberg voice they will make a lot more sense.

I thought people were putting a random period in the middle of their tweets turns out it was just a black spot on the screen.

My sister and her husband have a strange relationship, she cuts his hair and he shaves her beard.