My baby is only 3 and a half weeks old and has already pissed on more people than R. Kelly.

Burger King will not do it your way if your way is reverse cowgirl.

Ok, Wal-Mart pharmacists are NOT required to give you a condom fitting... apparently.

"Bitches love top hats." - Abraham Lincoln

The wife asked me what song makes me think of her. I said "Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill. Sleeping on the couch hurts my back.

The only reason I don't like taking a shower is that it waters down my beer.

It's a good thing I don't have a vagina cause, you know, just one extra place I'd have to search for my keys.

BREAKING: NASA's new Mars rover finds Carmen Sandiego.

When I go birdwatching, I turn my binoculars sideways cause I'm so gangsta.

I make it a rule never to do anything sexual with old women... cause you know, spiders.

Just ran 10 miles. On purpose. Without the cops chasing me. Satan is probably asking for an extra blanket right about now.

I can't say enough good things about my wife's husband.

NASA says they don't know where the satellite is gonna come down today. I hope they are secretly aiming for Kenny Loggins.

Don't worry. I will erase most of these when I finally realize they are only funny to me.

Just successfully parallel parked on the first try in case you're looking for a mentor or life coach.

My 7 month old just gave me a wink and then cleared out half the restaurant with a big fart. That's just good parenting.

Taylor Swift song: costs less than a vasectomy, same result.

Just used "little league baseball" terminology and told a lady "good eye, good eye" before realizing she had a lazy one.

I would go to Huey Lewis and the News before I went to Fox News for anything

I would be the ultimate ladies man if women enjoyed awkward silence and muffled cursing.