Twitter has reverted us to first grade. We beg for gold stars, tell bad jokes, collect strange friends, and get tricked into reading

When I was a kid, not only did our parents beat us in public, but if we'd done something bad enough other parents helped

I do not have anger management issues, I have "I cant stand stupid" issues

You mean you want me to get up, get dressed, AND leave the house? Am I getting paid?

Never underestimate the power of stupid

I told my doctor the world around me thanked her for giving me Xanax and she laughed like I was joking.

I'm convinced people who come up with and make toys, do not have kids.

Sittin on my ass with a 5 gallon bucket of cheese balls, starring tweets and watching spongebob. Life is good.

I have 3 brain cells left and 2 are really confused

Old people with braces are creepy

If you refer to yourself by first, middle, and last name I have to assume you have fat people in wells in your basement

I hate you both, you should probably date.

I love my pillow so much I give it head all night long, and sometimes in the middle of the afternoon for absolutely no reason.

Dear person who thinks "let's re-make this horrible movie from decades ago, it will be better now!" NO, it's not, stop it. Signed, all of us

It's hard to remain respectful when people are slinging dumbass at you at high speed....... I try.

Moron: "When were you born?" Me: "79" Moron: "WOW, you were alive in the 70's?!? What was that like??" Me: "awesome? o.O"

Bath salts make you want to eat someone's face. Pot makes you want to eat cupcakes. Smoke pot and save face!

6 to 8 inches. That's how far my phone was from landing in the toilet.

My favorite words might be moobs and mooseknuckle. Funny. Shit.

"I'd like to know what people really think about me." no, you don't, trust me, just be delusional