Women are only terrible at parking because we're constantly being lied to about what 9 inches is

Meth: Because hillbillies doing chemistry is always a good call.

Why would a guy want to date a super skinny chick? Wouldn't it be like fucking a bag of elbows?

"Worst case scenario, we both die. But that's going to happen eventually anyway." -Me trying to convince my friends to do stuff with me

This strip club smells like broken dreams, teenage pregnancy, and daddy issues

Ugh, Mom he's not a drug dealer. He's more of a drug farmer. Relax.

If you see a chick with dreads it's a flat out guarantee the carpet matches the drapes.

I say "Wow! That is a great goatee" and they get all pissed off. Just take the fucking compliment lady! Christ!

Drunk me knows sober me is kind of bitchy so drunk me texts stupid shit then deletes the inbox so sober me has no proof drunk me is retarded

Axe for Women. For those days when you just want to smell like feral cat piss

For like 3 months I only had 30 followers on Twitter and a couple RT's in the last 10 days quadrupled that. Keep RTing the little guys :)

People say I look pretty and feminine when I wear dress until I walk, then they say "When the fuck did Brian Urlacher get here?"

I imagine that if the moon could talk it would probably be really whiny and be all like "Why don't you visit anymore? I miss us"

I'm really good at complaining about not dating while simultaneously saying no to 90% of guys that ask.

That dude was NOT excited that I ended the date with a fist bump and a "good game, bro".

I won't consider myself an adult until I know how to fold a fitted sheet... So probably never....

I didn't say your mom was white trash, I just said every time I've seen her she's been in a tweety bird or tasmanian devil t-shirt...

I hope tonight is so wild that it completely eliminates any possibility of me being elected to any public office in the future.

Lost 35 pounds in the last year and didn't even lose a cup size. Now that's what I call winning mothafuckas.

The worst job ever has to be Taco Bell janitor, right?