"Do you have any gum? My mouth tastes like dick."

Not to brag but I'm followed by 11 Justin Biebers, 6 Barack Obamas and 4 Lady Gagas.

Person, person, person, person, person, person, Waldo, person, person, person, person, person, person, person, person.

" Prayers are just as positive as donatin time; money; or blood!" // You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Top Gear's coin operated cameraman pic.twitter.com/sGd9ZYObef

"Ugh, I can't believe I said that thing five years ago." -Thoughts before falling asleep every night

All girls who give head go to heaven

Watching "Adventure Time" w/my boys. Makes me feel like I smoked massive bong hit. Paranoid that that my kids think I look high.
iiii]; o'

My next taping I want the only crowd shot to be of the one guy thats not laughing that comics always focus on.

Making Klout an important information hub  http://twitpic.com/crmuvc 

#conservativebandnames

Guns n' Guns

*horse grabs mic between hoves* Hay first off I'd like to thank horse Jesus

Is there such a thing a violent farts because something horrible is happening in the stall next to mine. #ToiletMassacre

“what seems to be the bloblem officer?” -the blob trying to play it cool in front of cops

your fat

I like how Obama acts like he’s “tough on terrorism” but ignores the most dangerous terrorist of all: the marijuana cigarette. #420NOBAMA

get less and

Picture Puzzle: @georgetakei edition  http://ow.ly/l6xcS 

"We've reached an arrangement. An EDIBLE arrangement."

I missed Earth. There were no trees, grass, or dirt in space, but it was still preferable to being stuck on the same planet with her.