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Me and my girlfriend broke up recently. We just weren't compatible. I love watching baseball and she loves fucking other guys.
Really, "Hot In Cleveland", you're ripping off The Hangover? The Hangover Part II already did that.
Anybody else think it would be hilarious if the wheelchair kid from Glee became a famous rapper in Canada?
Dear Netflix, at least buy your customers dinner before you fuck us like that.
I love when people tell me I'm an asshole like it's breaking news or something. "Oh my god, I didn't know! I'll change my ways!"
BREAKING NEWS: Taylor Swift broke up with her boyfriend. In other news, water is wet, fire is hot.
I just hung my favorite hoodie outside to dry and Geraldo Rivera pulled out a 9mm and unloaded a full clip into it :(
#ThingsBlackFolksScaredOf Grammar apparently.
If someone says the words "Who should I call?" and you don't IMMEDIATELY say "Ghostbusters!" then you are fucking dead to me.
Ladies, want to get a guy? Walk around naked with a plate of pizza rolls. If that doesn’t get you mounted like a Silverback, nothing will.
#itsabeautifulworldbecause Scarlett Johansson's tits are on the internet.
What's my favorite part in Holes? Well, that would be my wiener.
Life's like a penis, sometimes it gets hard for no reason.
You can charm the critics and have nothin' to eat. Just slip on a banana peel, the world's at your feet. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!