The Obesetie Boys
#FatBands

I blame my low follower count on the economy. It's easier that way

My son has Attention Deficit Disorder, so this summer we sent him to a concentration camp.

Whenever I start feeling down about killing my grandma, my mom reminds me that she had ample opportunity to tap out.

The 100 yard douche
#RomneyOlympics

In the past, I've bought mattresses based on sleeping comfort, but I'm gonna buy one based on trampolining while wine drinking, this time.

.....maybe it's me.


No, it's definitely them.

Whenever I hear of something going horribly wrong, I always think, "that could've been my fault."

If your so fucking great, why hasn't my 13 year old daughter heard of you?

John Edwards and Rielle Hunter have broken up. I assume she's dying, right?

I Dream of Genocide
#evilsitcoms

Welcome new followers, turn to page 30 in your hymnals and prepare for fellowship and hit-n-miss humor.

barrel of lab monkeys
#DepressingToys

Has anyone ever told you that your smile could light up a crawl space?
#KCS

@dubouchet I never knew "The Edge" was a person. I figured it was a Gillette tie in, like Flea is with Hartz

A "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law" tag #FoundUnderTrumpsHair

I had "senioritis" every year of highschool. Now that I'm in my 40's, I have dementia.

My nag of a mother-in-law wants a rape whistle, so I'm going to make a stop at PetSmart and pick one up for her.

Partial Recall
#StonerTitles

Chalupacabra
#DoritosFlavor