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  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
    Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
    Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

    • 886
    • FAVS
    CaptFucksparrowsalamingiaonume_nishadtrivediblackHanSoloFredPollackRummyLaudedmarisapulaski19
    • 505
    • RETWEETS
    sagarvmehra_Red_Robin_YUMonume_hbenjamin94VengefulBlubirdfunTweetersJJ94JJ2Steffs
    Adam14
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.

    • 580
    • FAVS
    CaptFucksparrowbloodorangexoeiknuJcisuMvageenamarblesOwned_PrincessLackOfShameFuzzy_sueBlondAmbitionTO
    • 334
    • RETWEETS
    AllShamNooWowLackOfShameFuzzy_sueLakelandrNotReallyNo_smokeymccheefoBrysonWallaceYes_ImAmy
    dinnersruinedWakenbake77murfer28__________
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".

    • 481
    • FAVS
    Mmmbiscottimorganjenny58HelYaFcknWRIGHTchassidy_boggsooforthKatrinaGibson13brizeyconQueefTornado
    • 370
    • RETWEETS
    Mmmbiscottihbenjamin94staceyscousinawetouche87brizeyconQueefTornadonbranklesjbewick
    Wakenbake77ScigglezWhatevaConc
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

    • 530
    • FAVS
    LackOfShameFuzzy_sueLakelandrxtuttifrootiBangMyBongoNotReallyNo_pottymouthnerdits_all_good247
    • 216
    • RETWEETS
    ToolshredLackOfShameFuzzy_sueBangMyBongoNotReallyNo_RocketRankoonTheCrumbDiaryoverallexpert
    TheCrumbDiaryBooFricketyHoo
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…

    • 433
    • FAVS
    CojackAttackLackOfShameFuzzy_sueLakelandrNotReallyNo_santhonythomasTheCrumbDiaryBridgetMamacita
    • 207
    • RETWEETS
    LackOfShameNotReallyNo_TheCrumbDiarywickwelkerZomBChowAlanAymieLeliafrzsshep111
    deadgoldfish87
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.

    • 387
    • FAVS
    SandraTrolingerLackOfShameooforthHernandoRedQueefTornadoFuzzy_sueBlondAmbitionTOnancy_yogapants__
    • 208
    • RETWEETS
    LackOfShameQueefTornadoFuzzy_sueghostinmarbleboohookat_AngeloBadolatoLakelandrNotReallyNo_
    LakelandrAlanAymierossbransonYour_Boy_DylanRhiannonsShade
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.

    • 361
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueLakelandrNotReallyNo_santhonythomasMesjaxTheCrumbDiarymiss_foofoodinnersruined
    • 212
    • RETWEETS
    NotReallyNo_MesjaxTheCrumbDiaryViolent2Dope304tylersorrellsattheUCHunnerGoMeowWhervrIMayRoam
    JosesLovesYou
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.

    *new interaction*

    I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.

    • 350
    • FAVS
    aveuaskewtrillborgjjgrapesixfootbunnieUhhmIDontKnowAngryKoalaFruitsarcasm_inc_Ms_Moneypenny_
    • 144
    • RETWEETS
    daredoubleyousixfootbunniesarcasm_incFuzzy_suePrairieOutlawDumbCatFacelittlelambiiTheJamesH1
    Rikidus
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.

    • 296
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_suearacelyyorkeGus__BDebaucheronyCmd7575AmrrwiseperhapssomedayLakelandr
    • 179
    • RETWEETS
    Gus__BDebaucheronyperhapssomedayalanwdixNotReallyNo_VAFergchocolatemonkeeladybyng19
    ProfaneDaneSmithWitBrisketBee______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Being a parent forces you to face many existential questions such as WHY IS THE MONKEY IN THE LION KING JAMAICAN?!

    • 278
    • FAVS
    WheelTodswollenvoicechassidy_boggsooforthQueefTornadoFuzzy_sueLakelandrBeamishBoi
    • 126
    • RETWEETS
    QueefTornadoFuzzy_sueBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_1CleverGirl1AnigyvbitchikerTheCrumbDiary
    patcasey72thenoahkinsey
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I sulk into my infant son's room and call him a son of a bitch just loud enough to be heard on the monitor.

    • 244
    • FAVS
    AskAuntieEm1Fuzzy_sueLakelandrBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdbgindy1Happytwit
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    dawn_jensenWheelTodFuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_1CleverGirl1TheCrumbDiaryxzureAwk0Tacoo
    kentgrossarth5ick5
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'm an atheist so if someone sneezes I say "Cherish this life because after you die, that's it."

    • 229
    • FAVS
    taggart_stewartAskAuntieEm1AdderAllStarlulacavilaFuzzy_sueBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_DirtRoadPoet
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    WheelTodAng3L82NotReallyNo_BlueIvyBbSitterRocketRankoonsanthonythomasJennDLockViolent2Dope304
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I promise to be a good enough father that my son never has to Google "how to use a charcoal grill", like I just did.

    • 231
    • FAVS
    lindaf1529AskAuntieEm1AdderAllStarFuzzy_sueDebaucheronyNotReallyNo_VAFergdenver_mcc
    • 94
    • RETWEETS
    AskAuntieEm1WheelTodFuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_David_Conway__AmateurIdiotshelbypocketssmishychat
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Jesus Christ, Steve. We see Blue's Clue. It's the fucking paw print right behind you, you condescending asshole.

    • 221
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdinnersruinedAwk0TacoothereverendcinkHunnerGoMeow
    • 103
    • RETWEETS
    NotReallyNo_HunnerGoMeowZomBChowWhervrIMayRoamOhgoddessitsmeEliHansenMusicLilWahineGidgetginanicolebrown
    doublewenis______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'd like to think that in England a hillbilly is called a "William of Hillshire".

    • 191
    • FAVS
    MrTinMan25swollenvoiceooforthQueefTornadoFuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdinnersruined
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    WheelTodBoldyBollocksQueefTornadoNotReallyNo_ladyauntiecathyKelgoreTroutscottthetwatanaliciapaloma
    Wheres_Samantha
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If someone wants to fight you say "Let's not resort to fisticuffs" then they want to hug you because people who say fisticuffs are adorable.

    • 196
    • FAVS
    mangochow1ooforthalrightbobQueefTornadoFuzzy_suekaytehas2armsDebaucheronyBeamishBoi
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    WheelTodcraigclaytonseaalrightbobQueefTornadoDebaucheronyNotReallyNo_south_side_danDrrragonHart
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If "genitals" didn't already mean something, I think it'd be a cool name for a cereal.

    • 175
    • FAVS
    ParentEsqmangochow1sjbewickWheelTodoofortheastside72QueefTornadoFuzzy_sue
    • 103
    • RETWEETS
    poshbirdgabiwimothyjosephmangochow1WheelTodQueefTornadoFuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_LoKarloFart
    SamDeLanche
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.

    • 166
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_breatheandlovepokerphishmurphWandaBelleAmoursanthonythomas15matty_ice
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_santhonythomasEwokpestcontrolViolent2Dope304_SarahYeenobenfreMullinKj
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When God closes a door he opens a window. I just hope it's not Windows 8 because I can't find shit there.

    • 170
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sue_eyukNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdinnersruinedAwk0Tacoothereverendcinkcanadianatlarge
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_santhonythomascanadianatlargeRhinoURckyrule7bryanmcc74shayanksamani
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if someone comes to your cubicle, keep your headphones on and yell "LIVIN THE DREAM! HOW ARE YOU!" over and over until they leave.

    • 182
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_suemargaretiaNotReallyNo_south_side_danRocketRankoonsanthonythomasimnotemoyetBlawawawa
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_RocketRankoonViolent2Dope304dinnersruinedEliHansenMusicenigmatericstexsassbarbie
    ahoytheboat
@TheGladStork

@TheGladStork

I tweet about parenting, cubicles, marriage, and rap music. I also make poorly drawn web comics at http://t.co/wc9IyIxYLG and http://t.co/BGCR8PI4uW