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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
Donald Trump is a mix of all of the terrible kids from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
I just said "cool beans" and now I'm a youth group leader.
I don't care who you are, when you've had 3 cranberry vodkas and Journey comes on you become a small town girl living in a lonely world.
I cut the crust off my daughter's PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I'm her bitch now.
I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.
Dance like you weren't constantly belittled as a child to the point of being self conscious and awkward in social situations.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
"Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…
Kanye West always looks like he just got off the phone with Time Warner Cable.
Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.
It's so cold out that if you throw a VHS of "Waterworld" in the air it turns to a DVD of "Frozen" before it hits the ground.
*makes daughter wear my Fitbit during her soccer game while I sit on the sideline eating snacks*
Friend: What are you bringing to the party?
Me: DA NOISE!!!
Friend: So just your kids?
Me: Yeah... :(
I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.
I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.
I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.
Contributor @huffpostcomedy, @mockmoms, @SamPsychMeds, more. Professional meme maker @scarymommy. What a time to be alive. http://favstar.fm/users/thegladstork
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