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I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
I cut the crust off my daughter's PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I'm her bitch now.
If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…
I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.
Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.
It's so cold out that if you throw a VHS of "Waterworld" in the air it turns to a DVD of "Frozen" before it hits the ground.
I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.
I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.
I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.
Being a parent forces you to face many existential questions such as WHY IS THE MONKEY IN THE LION KING JAMAICAN?!
I didn't win the PowerBall, but my kids let me sleep until 8am, which is basically the same thing.
I'm an atheist so if someone sneezes I say "Cherish this life because after you die, that's it."
Dance like you weren't constantly belittled as a child to the point of being self conscious and awkward in social situations.
When my wife pisses me off, I sulk into my infant son's room and call him a son of a bitch just loud enough to be heard on the monitor.
I promise to be a good enough father that my son never has to Google "how to use a charcoal grill", like I just did.
Jesus Christ, Steve. We see Blue's Clue. It's the fucking paw print right behind you, you condescending asshole.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you're not telling me?
My 3yo son just called grease "bacon sauce" and I've never loved him more.
I tweet about parenting, cubicles, marriage, and rap music. http://thegladstork.com/ | http://instagram.com/thegladstork | http://c.delict.us/TheGladStork
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