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  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
    Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
    Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

    • 936
    • FAVS
    TheBeerGuy73chrystalmarieDianaBlouseOneFunnyMummyOwenBaiGreenMonkskylerhanrathJake_Sniff
    • 529
    • RETWEETS
    OneFunnyMummyJake_Sniffohhhwhoopswerna_andrewwhiteauDSLikesItBeesthegamecharlmeyer
    Adam14
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".

    • 558
    • FAVS
    mzNitaVPapaKojIanDomanskiLinaLin_GGLoving_allalikeAyKe_Is_KiNgsurabbieTheBeerGuy73
    • 504
    • RETWEETS
    mzNitaVOh_So_SceneDaSilvaJnr_gyikieDerrick_IDGAF__NaaMomoLT_Fiamthehuman_and_i
    Wakenbake77ScigglezWhatevaConc
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.

    • 606
    • FAVS
    Dan_NemethRaphaelEivotsbees_wingzTheBeerGuy73ezollervapidaccountOneFunnyMummydatafaucet
    • 344
    • RETWEETS
    TheBeerGuy73vapidaccountOneFunnyMummyohhhwhoops_iNode_Nthe_rock_chicetoilelointaineKathy_Zeman
    dinnersruinedWakenbake77murfer28__________
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

    • 547
    • FAVS
    andyfwhiteMind_fukkgoatlady84OneFunnyMummydatafaucetrevengeofAAJake_Sniffmcibty
    • 225
    • RETWEETS
    andyfwhiteMind_fukkOneFunnyMummyrevengeofAAJake_SniffohhhwhoopsUhhmIDontKnowsammyj_04
    TheCrumbDiaryBooFricketyHoo
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…

    • 446
    • FAVS
    OneFunnyMummyContwixtjefwin46skylerhanrathCartographyBoyJake_SniffDrDweezilDSLikesIt
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    Contwixtjefwin46skylerhanrathJake_Sniffnotbedelia__YourPalMilo______LackOfShameNotReallyNo_
    deadgoldfish87
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.

    • 412
    • FAVS
    Mind_fukkOneFunnyMummytuckerflodmanJake_SniffMsFucketrydjhammer59CoreyLakeJenny4ashley
    • 225
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukkOneFunnyMummyJake_Sniffdjhammer59CoreyLakeJenny4ashleydanielvasiliosDSLikesIt
    LakelandrAlanAymierossbransonYour_Boy_DylanRhiannonsShade
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.

    • 369
    • FAVS
    OneFunnyMummyJokerVisionlovelyjoesyJake_SniffDSLikesItangel777_paulasammyj_04hg47
    • 217
    • RETWEETS
    JokerVisionMarkOnThePlanetJake_SniffDSLikesItsammyj_04NotReallyNo_MesjaxTheCrumbDiary
    JosesLovesYou
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.

    *new interaction*

    I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.

    • 361
    • FAVS
    SourLemondsssmissteenussrjenndaly83cozbelligerentSummerloveX0OneFunnyMummyidiosityJake_Sniff
    • 145
    • RETWEETS
    OneFunnyMummydaredoubleyousixfootbunniesarcasm_incSweet_SueZPrairieOutlawDumbCatFacelittlelambii
    Rikidus
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.

    • 306
    • FAVS
    LwhittenhartOneFunnyMummyatbara9clyderunDSLikesItsammyj_04Love140Artnotbedelia__
    • 185
    • RETWEETS
    missteenussrOneFunnyMummydatafaucetDSLikesItnotbedelia__hg47Gus__BDebaucherony__
    ProfaneDaneSmithWitBrisketBee______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Being a parent forces you to face many existential questions such as WHY IS THE MONKEY IN THE LION KING JAMAICAN?!

    • 293
    • FAVS
    SourLemondssstararippleTheMamaRunsIWearSpandex1cozbelligerentCrazyForMoxley__OneFunnyMummypistolwistol
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    SourLemondsssericaopheliaIWearSpandex1OneFunnyMummypistolwistolsammyj_04notbedelia__WheelTod
    patcasey72thenoahkinsey
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'm an atheist so if someone sneezes I say "Cherish this life because after you die, that's it."

    • 274
    • FAVS
    Mind_fukkIWearSpandex1goodballsBlairLoudlyricowallaceOneFunnyMummythe_rock_chicHOUK__
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    Uh_OoooooMind_fukkricowallaceOneFunnyMummymoseletsaneCaptain_TPEGreat_JENeticsBittyB3
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I sulk into my infant son's room and call him a son of a bitch just loud enough to be heard on the monitor.

    • 271
    • FAVS
    heatherlou_Pauline06081815SourLemondsssKimmieKnessMaxTitus12OneFunnyMummydatafaucetmcibty
    • 119
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukkKimmieKnessGypsymommmOneFunnyMummyohhhwhoopsperpetualstonerpistolwistoliwearaonesie
    hg47kentgrossarth5ick5
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I promise to be a good enough father that my son never has to Google "how to use a charcoal grill", like I just did.

    • 241
    • FAVS
    Mind_fukkOneFunnyMummyJake_SniffSummerMcdadeohhhwhoopsDSLikesItContwixtKhrisWarhol
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukkohhhwhoopsContwixtAskAuntieEm1WheelTodSweet_SueZNotReallyNo_time_trap_
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Jesus Christ, Steve. We see Blue's Clue. It's the fucking paw print right behind you, you condescending asshole.

    • 231
    • FAVS
    thesupermuffEmonalishaMind_fukkOneFunnyMummyrevengeofAAJake_SniffDSLikesItsammyj_04
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukkNotReallyNo_HunnerGoMeowZomBChowWhervrIMayRoamOhgoddessitsmeEliHansenMusicLilWahineGidget__
    doublewenis______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'd like to think that in England a hillbilly is called a "William of Hillshire".

    • 203
    • FAVS
    OneFunnyMummydatafaucetTheRealLillianRlovelyjoesyJake_SniffpistolwistolDrDweezilDSLikesIt
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    Jake_SniffTamzillatheHunmartinimommy78Contwixtnotbedelia__WheelTodBoldyBollocksQueefTornado
    Wheres_Samantha
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If "genitals" didn't already mean something, I think it'd be a cool name for a cereal.

    • 183
    • FAVS
    OneFunnyMummydatafaucetpistolwistolDrDweezilDSLikesItdelia_shannonnotbedelia__SirJauntyhat__
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    DSLikesItnotbedelia__DrGGopieTreewimothyjosephmangochow1WheelTodQueefTornadoSweet_SueZ
    SamDeLanche
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If someone wants to fight you say "Let's not resort to fisticuffs" then they want to hug you because people who say fisticuffs are adorable.

    • 200
    • FAVS
    OneFunnyMummypistolwistolsammyj_04notbedelia__mangochow1Mr_Rotten_2_u__alrightbobQueefTornado
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    WheelTodcraigclaytonseaalrightbobQueefTornadoDebaucherony__NotReallyNo_south_side_danDrrragonHart
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.

    • 179
    • FAVS
    BareChestytanialunrealMind_fukkOneFunnyMummydatafaucetsbrou24revengeofAAhellyeah63
    • 109
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukkrevengeofAAhellyeah63kikdbakbitchMs_Gainsbourg____sammyj_04NetflixMeSweet_SueZ
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When God closes a door he opens a window. I just hope it's not Windows 8 because I can't find shit there.

    • 186
    • FAVS
    KatherineHutherOneFunnyMummydatafaucetghostkroghJake_SniffDrDweezilDSLikesItjonfrederic
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    Jake_SniffBigRob2363ContwixtWheelTodSweet_SueZNotReallyNo_santhonythomascanadianatlarge
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if someone comes to your cubicle, keep your headphones on and yell "LIVIN THE DREAM! HOW ARE YOU!" over and over until they leave.

    • 189
    • FAVS
    OneFunnyMummyrevengeofAADSLikesItwokkax3wstafricanWakenbake77sammyj_04Sweet_SueZ
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    revengeofAAWakenbake77Sweet_SueZNotReallyNo_RocketRankoonViolent2Dope304dinnersruinedEliHansenMusic
    ahoytheboat______
@TheGladStork

@TheGladStork

I tweet about parenting, cubicles, marriage, and rap music. http://thegladstork.com/ | http://facebook.com/thegladstork | http://c.delict.us/TheGladStork