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  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
    Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
    Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

    • 978
    • FAVS
    RedHeadd_1JareddP94Burds_1SuzanneMadeabaileydevyn77Reach4theSKY4lostaprilSpitzOrSwallows
    • 554
    • RETWEETS
    Cam__BamSuzanneMadeaHOrwigkwamdabombElgatoEsmiofavstar_historyDogsOfSampleafairiesweetear
    Adam14
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".

    • 560
    • FAVS
    qayweeafairiesweetearBaatmaatkaroSamanthaHorcruxMiniwheats2012mzNitaVPapaKojIanDomanski
    • 518
    • RETWEETS
    qayweeElaigwuSmokirollvamiGeorgedokadots_owurakuGeorgeQuay_CIpheyM
    Wakenbake77ScigglezWhatevaConc
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.

    • 611
    • FAVS
    afairiesweetearMoxiePiebleonard1979_blSamanthaHorcruxMiniwheats2012Dan_NemethRaphaelEivotsbees_wingz
    • 347
    • RETWEETS
    afairiesweetearSamanthaHorcruxMiniwheats2012TheBeerGuy73vapidaccountOneFunnyMummyohhhwhoops_iNode_N
    dinnersruinedWakenbake77murfer28__________
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

    • 558
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    UntouchableSheafairiesweetearCrystallily73rona65Pretty_Lass0717Miniwheats2012MustBeAdamJenestyle
    • 230
    • RETWEETS
    UntouchableSheafairiesweetearCrystallily73Miniwheats2012JosesLovesYouandyfwhiteMind_fukkOneFunnyMummy
    TheCrumbDiaryBooFricketyHoo
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…

    • 447
    • FAVS
    afairiesweetearOneFunnyMummyContwixtjefwin46skylerhanrathCartographyBoyJake_SniffDrDweezil
    • 214
    • RETWEETS
    afairiesweetearContwixtjefwin46skylerhanrathJake_SniffnotbedeliaYourPalMilo______LackOfShame
    deadgoldfish87
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.

    • 413
    • FAVS
    afairiesweetearMind_fukkOneFunnyMummytuckerflodmanJake_SniffMsFucketrydjhammer59CoreyLake
    • 227
    • RETWEETS
    Maria53xyafairiesweetearMind_fukkOneFunnyMummyJake_Sniffdjhammer59CoreyLakeJenny4ashley
    LakelandrAlanAymierossbransonYour_Boy_DylanRhiannonsShade
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.

    • 370
    • FAVS
    afairiesweetearOneFunnyMummyJokerVisionbourgeoisiejoz__Jake_SniffDSLikesItangel777_paulasammyj_04
    • 218
    • RETWEETS
    afairiesweetearJokerVisionMarkOnThePlanetJake_SniffDSLikesItsammyj_04NotReallyNo_Mesjax
    JosesLovesYou
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.

    *new interaction*

    I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.

    • 362
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    afairiesweetearSourLemondsssmissteenussrjenndaly83cozbelligerentSummerloveX0OneFunnyMummyidiosity
    • 145
    • RETWEETS
    OneFunnyMummydaredoubleyousixfootbunniesarcasm_incminafisheyesPrairieOutlawDumbCatFacelittlelambii
    Rikidus
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.

    • 306
    • FAVS
    LwhittenhartOneFunnyMummyatbara9clyderunDSLikesItsammyj_04Love140Artnotbedelia
    • 185
    • RETWEETS
    missteenussrOneFunnyMummydatafaucetDSLikesItnotbedeliahg47Gus__BDebaucherony__
    ProfaneDaneSmithWitBrisketBee______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Being a parent forces you to face many existential questions such as WHY IS THE MONKEY IN THE LION KING JAMAICAN?!

    • 294
    • FAVS
    afairiesweetearSourLemondssstararippleTheMamaRunsIWearSpandex1cozbelligerentCrazyForMoxley__OneFunnyMummy
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    SourLemondsssericaopheliaIWearSpandex1OneFunnyMummypistolwistolsammyj_04notbedeliaWheelTod
    patcasey72thenoahkinsey
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'm an atheist so if someone sneezes I say "Cherish this life because after you die, that's it."

    • 275
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    afairiesweetearMind_fukkIWearSpandex1goodballsBlairLoudlyricowallaceOneFunnyMummythe_rock_chic
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    afairiesweetearUh_OoooooMind_fukkricowallaceOneFunnyMummyStudentTweeter2Captain_TPEGreat_JENetics
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I sulk into my infant son's room and call him a son of a bitch just loud enough to be heard on the monitor.

    • 271
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    heatherlou_Pauline06081815SourLemondsssKimmieKnessMaxTitus12OneFunnyMummydatafaucetmcibty
    • 119
    • RETWEETS
    Mind_fukkKimmieKnessGypsymommmOneFunnyMummyohhhwhoopsperpetualstonerpistolwistoliwearaonesie
    hg47kentgrossarth5ick5
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I promise to be a good enough father that my son never has to Google "how to use a charcoal grill", like I just did.

    • 243
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    BoyattWilsonafairiesweetearMind_fukkOneFunnyMummyJake_SniffSummerMcdadeohhhwhoopsDSLikesIt
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    Maria53xychaseyerselfafairiesweetearMind_fukkohhhwhoopsContwixtAskAuntieEm1WheelTod
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Jesus Christ, Steve. We see Blue's Clue. It's the fucking paw print right behind you, you condescending asshole.

    • 232
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    afairiesweetearthesupermuffEmonalishaMind_fukkOneFunnyMummyrevengeofAAJake_SniffDSLikesIt
    • 105
    • RETWEETS
    afairiesweetearMind_fukkNotReallyNo_HunnerGoMeowZomBChowWhervrIMayRoamOhgoddessitsmeEliHansenMusic
    doublewenis______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'd like to think that in England a hillbilly is called a "William of Hillshire".

    • 203
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    OneFunnyMummydatafaucetTheRealLillianRbourgeoisiejoz__Jake_SniffpistolwistolDrDweezilDSLikesIt
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    Jake_SniffTamzillatheHunmartinimommy78ContwixtnotbedeliaWheelTodBoldyBollocksQueefTornado
    Wheres_Samantha
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If someone wants to fight you say "Let's not resort to fisticuffs" then they want to hug you because people who say fisticuffs are adorable.

    • 202
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    LerbsyCherbsafairiesweetearOneFunnyMummypistolwistolsammyj_04notbedeliamangochow1Mr_Rotten_2_u__
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    afairiesweetearWheelTodcraigclaytonseaalrightbobQueefTornadoDebaucherony__NotReallyNo_south_side_dan
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If "genitals" didn't already mean something, I think it'd be a cool name for a cereal.

    • 184
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    LerbsyCherbsScott_A_GilmoreafairiesweetearOneFunnyMummydatafaucetpistolwistolDrDweezilDSLikesIt
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    Scott_A_GilmoreafairiesweetearDSLikesItnotbedeliaDrGGopieTreewimothyjosephmangochow1WheelTod
    SamFromKS
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.

    • 181
    • FAVS
    LerbsyCherbsafairiesweetearBareChestytanialunrealMind_fukkOneFunnyMummydatafaucetsbrou24
    • 110
    • RETWEETS
    afairiesweetearMind_fukkrevengeofAAhellyeah63kikdbakbitchMs_Gainsbourg____sammyj_04NetflixMe
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When God closes a door he opens a window. I just hope it's not Windows 8 because I can't find shit there.

    • 186
    • FAVS
    KatherineHutherOneFunnyMummydatafaucetghostkroghJake_SniffDrDweezilDSLikesItjonfrederic
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    Jake_SniffBigRob2363ContwixtWheelTodminafisheyesNotReallyNo_santhonythomascanadianatlarge
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if someone comes to your cubicle, keep your headphones on and yell "LIVIN THE DREAM! HOW ARE YOU!" over and over until they leave.

    • 190
    • FAVS
    afairiesweetearOneFunnyMummyrevengeofAADSLikesItwokkax3wstafricanWakenbake77sammyj_04
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    revengeofAAWakenbake77minafisheyesNotReallyNo_RocketRankoonViolent2Dope304dinnersruinedEliHansenMusic
    ahoytheboat______
@TheGladStork

@TheGladStork

I tweet about parenting, cubicles, marriage, and rap music. http://thegladstork.com/ | http://thegladstork.tumblr.com | http://c.delict.us/TheGladStork

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