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  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
    Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
    Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

    • 868
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_suejnestevezCourtneyStults1Debaucheronynancy_yogapantsLakelandrNotReallyNo_StaceyRusch
    • 492
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_suedanaemedusaBlondAmbitionTODebaucheronyLakelandrNotReallyNo_charlieBtisaneStaceyRusch
    Adam14
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.

    • 574
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueBlondAmbitionTODebaucheronyEnlightndSkitleFrancoTalaricoLakelandrNotReallyNo_d_weis
    • 330
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueLakelandrNotReallyNo_smokeymccheefoBrysonWallaceYes_ImAmyleechee420santhonythomas
    dinnersruinedWakenbake77murfer28__________
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".

    • 466
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueBlondAmbitionTOejmichaels1DebaucheronyLakelandrNotReallyNo_breatheandlovePhenomenalMFT
    • 357
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueejmichaels1NotReallyNo_paypercatHiruni4mahgrahNissabellaboolysanderisdrugs
    Wakenbake77ScigglezWhatevaConc
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

    • 529
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueLakelandrxtuttifrootiBangMyBongoNotReallyNo_pottymouthnerdits__all___goodRocketRankoon
    • 214
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueBangMyBongoNotReallyNo_RocketRankoonTheCrumbDiaryoverallexpertMmmPrextonattheUC
    TheCrumbDiaryBooFricketyHoo
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…

    • 431
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueLakelandrNotReallyNo_santhonythomasTheCrumbDiaryBridgetMamacitadinnersruinedpinupteacher
    • 206
    • RETWEETS
    NotReallyNo_TheCrumbDiarywickwelkerZomBChowAlanAymieLeliafrzsshep111SteStrong
    deadgoldfish87
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.

    • 382
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueBlondAmbitionTOnancy_yogapantsmymyouxllvvzzboohookatCelebrityChezLakelandr
    • 206
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueghostinmarbleboohookat_AngeloBadolatoLakelandrNotReallyNo_catcervenylafpgh
    LakelandrAlanAymierossbransonYour_Boy_DylanRhiannonsShade
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.

    • 361
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueLakelandrNotReallyNo_santhonythomasMesjaxTheCrumbDiarymiss_foofoodinnersruined
    • 212
    • RETWEETS
    NotReallyNo_MesjaxTheCrumbDiaryViolent2Dope304tylersorrellsattheUCHunnerGoMeowWhervrIMayRoam
    JosesLovesYou
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.

    *new interaction*

    I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.

    • 350
    • FAVS
    aveuaskewtrillborgjjgrapesixfootbunnieUhhmIDontKnowAngryKoalaFruitsarcasm_inc_Ms_Moneypenny_
    • 144
    • RETWEETS
    daredoubleyousixfootbunniesarcasm_incFuzzy_suePrairieOutlawDumbCatFacelittlelambiiTheJamesH1
    Rikidus
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.

    • 296
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_suearacelyyorkeGus__BDebaucheronyCmd7575AmrrwiseperhapssomedayLakelandr
    • 179
    • RETWEETS
    Gus__BDebaucheronyperhapssomedayalanwdixNotReallyNo_VAFergchocolatemonkeeladybyng19
    ProfaneDaneSmithWitBrisketBee____
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Being a parent forces you to face many existential questions such as WHY IS THE MONKEY IN THE LION KING JAMAICAN?!

    • 273
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueLakelandrBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdbgindy1HappytwitXclairemckX
    • 125
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_1CleverGirl1AnigyvbitchikerTheCrumbDiaryHunnerGoMeow
    patcasey72thenoahkinsey
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I sulk into my infant son's room and call him a son of a bitch just loud enough to be heard on the monitor.

    • 243
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueLakelandrBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdbgindy1Happytwit1CleverGirl1
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_1CleverGirl1TheCrumbDiaryxzureAwk0Tacoocanadianatlargewickwelker
    kentgrossarth5ick5
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Jesus Christ, Steve. We see Blue's Clue. It's the fucking paw print right behind you, you condescending asshole.

    • 221
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdinnersruinedAwk0TacoothereverendcinkHunnerGoMeow
    • 103
    • RETWEETS
    NotReallyNo_HunnerGoMeowZomBChowWhervrIMayRoamOhgoddessitsmeEliHansenMusicLilWahineGidgetginanicolebrown
    doublewenis______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'm an atheist so if someone sneezes I say "Cherish this life because after you die, that's it."

    • 226
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_DirtRoadPoetcoliejean33BlueIvyBbSitterDenymesanityRocketRankoon
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    Ang3L82NotReallyNo_BlueIvyBbSitterRocketRankoonsanthonythomasJennDLockViolent2Dope304reducedtoaschwa
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I promise to be a good enough father that my son never has to Google "how to use a charcoal grill", like I just did.

    • 228
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueDebaucheronyNotReallyNo_VAFergdenver_mccGenny_jelloStevie_SezAHundredElbows
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_David_Conway__AmateurIdiotshelbypocketssmishychatSoulYodelerbingaling__
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'd like to think that in England a hillbilly is called a "William of Hillshire".

    • 187
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdinnersruinedAwk0TacoothereverendcinkscottthetwatOhighIsis
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    NotReallyNo_ladyauntiecathyKelgoreTroutscottthetwatanaliciapalomaGinGanderWheres_SamanthaWhervrIMayRoam
    Wheres_Samantha
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If someone wants to fight you say "Let's not resort to fisticuffs" then they want to hug you because people who say fisticuffs are adorable.

    • 192
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_suekaytehas2armsDebaucheronyBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_sass_n_asspottymouthnerdkelter1
    • 85
    • RETWEETS
    DebaucheronyNotReallyNo_south_side_danDrrragonHartRocketRankoonsanthonythomasLeslieInMplscanadianatlarge
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If "genitals" didn't already mean something, I think it'd be a cool name for a cereal.

    • 168
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_kaatilanajainpriya10breatheandlovepottymouthnerdKhrisWarholnoneofyours99
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_LoKarloFartjainpriya10breatheandlovenoneofyours99PmerrilyRocketRankoon
    SamDeLanche
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.

    • 166
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sueBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_breatheandlovepokerphishmurphWandaBelleAmoursanthonythomas15matty_ice
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_santhonythomasEwokpestcontrolViolent2Dope304_SarahYeeNoah_FrenchBabyMullinKj
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When God closes a door he opens a window. I just hope it's not Windows 8 because I can't find shit there.

    • 170
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_sue_eyukNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdinnersruinedAwk0Tacoothereverendcinkcanadianatlarge
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_santhonythomascanadianatlargeRhinoURckyrule7bryanmcc74shayanksamani
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if someone comes to your cubicle, keep your headphones on and yell "LIVIN THE DREAM! HOW ARE YOU!" over and over until they leave.

    • 182
    • FAVS
    Fuzzy_suemargaretiaNotReallyNo_south_side_danRocketRankoonsanthonythomasimnotemoyetBlawawawa
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    Fuzzy_sueNotReallyNo_RocketRankoonViolent2Dope304dinnersruinedEliHansenMusicenigmatericstexsassbarbie
    ahoytheboat
@TheGladStork

@TheGladStork

I tweet about parenting, cubicles, marriage, and rap music. I also make poorly drawn web comics at http://thegladstork.com/ and http://facebook.com/thegladstork