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  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
    Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
    Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

    • 926
    • FAVS
    atbara9gravbeastDSLikesItmoxiebloggerBeesthegamethemissinglincThe_Dorkster______PhilMeintzer
    • 526
    • RETWEETS
    a_ashendenandrewwhiteauDSLikesItBeesthegamecharlmeyerCharlieAlcockmidnightwhaleparhwy
    Adam14
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".

    • 541
    • FAVS
    DSLikesItblinkzcha007ryanhancerVallygurl22libster624btompsmellow_my_manashleighmparker
    • 449
    • RETWEETS
    southrngrace420ryanhancercapslockNdropitMzAsilijFweakofCydoniaOnly_1Utdalex_leeperKellusHvnbnd
    Wakenbake77ScigglezWhatevaConc
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.

    • 594
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilDSLikesItthe_rock_chicJulia_KwiatSour_World__Aberra_shun_meFancyNancyAnnetoilelointaine
    • 339
    • RETWEETS
    the_rock_chicetoilelointaineKathy_ZemanyoungstupidlifeContwixtiwearaonesieYourPalMilo______AllShamNooWow
    dinnersruinedWakenbake77murfer28__________
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

    • 538
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilUhhmIDontKnowsammyj_04KhrisWarholnotbedeliaVanillaRoadsContwixthg47
    • 219
    • RETWEETS
    UhhmIDontKnowsammyj_04ContwixtToolshredLackOfShameComakazi_FuzzBangMyBongoNotReallyNo_
    TheCrumbDiaryBooFricketyHoo
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…

    • 440
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilDSLikesItmoxiebloggerRlpihlsammyj_04notbedeliaYourPalMilo______CojackAttack
    • 209
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaYourPalMilo______LackOfShameNotReallyNo_TheCrumbDiarywickwelkerZomBChowAlanAymie
    deadgoldfish87
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.

    • 408
    • FAVS
    MsFucketrydjhammer59CoreyLakeJenny4ashleyCrimminsKimdebbytreeDSLikesItZettabyte_M
    • 222
    • RETWEETS
    djhammer59CoreyLakeJenny4ashleydanielvasiliosDSLikesItUpperLowerClassDadandBuriedmoxieblogger
    LakelandrAlanAymierossbransonYour_Boy_DylanRhiannonsShade
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.

    • 365
    • FAVS
    DSLikesItangel777_paulasammyj_04hg47Comakazi_FuzzLakelandrNotReallyNo_santhonythomas
    • 214
    • RETWEETS
    DSLikesItsammyj_04NotReallyNo_MesjaxTheCrumbDiaryViolent2Dope304tylersorrellsattheUC
    JosesLovesYou
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.

    *new interaction*

    I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.

    • 353
    • FAVS
    DSLikesItKhrisWarholnotbedeliaaveuaskewtrillborgjjgrapesixfootbunnieUhhmIDontKnow
    • 144
    • RETWEETS
    daredoubleyousixfootbunniesarcasm_incComakazi_FuzzPrairieOutlawDumbCatFacelittlelambiiTheJamesH1
    Rikidus
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.

    • 304
    • FAVS
    atbara9clyderunDSLikesItsammyj_04Love140ArtnotbedeliaiGreenMonkhg47
    • 182
    • RETWEETS
    DSLikesItnotbedeliahg47Gus__BDebaucheronyperhapssomedayalanwdixNotReallyNo_
    ProfaneDaneSmithWitBrisketBee______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Being a parent forces you to face many existential questions such as WHY IS THE MONKEY IN THE LION KING JAMAICAN?!

    • 285
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilDSLikesIttaggart_stewartangel777_paulasammyj_04notbedeliaKellyeFineWheelTod
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    sammyj_04notbedeliaWheelTodQueefTornadoComakazi_FuzzBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_1CleverGirl1
    patcasey72thenoahkinsey
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I sulk into my infant son's room and call him a son of a bitch just loud enough to be heard on the monitor.

    • 260
    • FAVS
    DSLikesItkukolikhillihaydaniel_frijolesKhrisWarholLove140Artnotbedeliainigoomontoya
    • 113
    • RETWEETS
    iwearaonesienotbedeliaKopsekatilexabexa3inigoomontoyablood_rusherrr_Alright2525PYL067
    hg47kentgrossarth5ick5
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'm an atheist so if someone sneezes I say "Cherish this life because after you die, that's it."

    • 236
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilthetiny_terrorAlyRoo_eezContwixtKhrisWarholdelia_shannonnotbedeliataggart_stewart
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    AlyRoo_eezContwixtnotbedeliaWheelTodAng3L82NotReallyNo_TrilliloquyRocketRankoon
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I promise to be a good enough father that my son never has to Google "how to use a charcoal grill", like I just did.

    • 236
    • FAVS
    DSLikesItContwixtKhrisWarholnotbedeliahg47lindaf1529AskAuntieEm1AdderAllStar
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    ContwixtAskAuntieEm1WheelTodComakazi_FuzzNotReallyNo_time_trap_AmateurIdiotshelbypockets
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Jesus Christ, Steve. We see Blue's Clue. It's the fucking paw print right behind you, you condescending asshole.

    • 225
    • FAVS
    DSLikesItsammyj_04KhrisWarholnotbedeliaComakazi_FuzzBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_santhonythomas
    • 103
    • RETWEETS
    NotReallyNo_HunnerGoMeowZomBChowWhervrIMayRoamOhgoddessitsmeEliHansenMusicLilWahineGidgetginanicolebrown
    doublewenis______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'd like to think that in England a hillbilly is called a "William of Hillshire".

    • 197
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilDSLikesItContwixtsammyj_04notbedeliahg47MrTinMan25swollenvoice
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    TamzillatheHunmartinimommy78ContwixtnotbedeliaWheelTodBoldyBollocksQueefTornadoNotReallyNo_
    Wheres_Samantha
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If someone wants to fight you say "Let's not resort to fisticuffs" then they want to hug you because people who say fisticuffs are adorable.

    • 198
    • FAVS
    sammyj_04notbedeliamangochow1ooforth__alrightbobQueefTornadoComakazi_Fuzzkaytehas2arms
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    WheelTodcraigclaytonseaalrightbobQueefTornadoDebaucheronyNotReallyNo_south_side_danDrrragonHart
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If "genitals" didn't already mean something, I think it'd be a cool name for a cereal.

    • 180
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilDSLikesItdelia_shannonnotbedeliaParentEsqmangochow1sammyj_04WheelTod
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    DSLikesItnotbedeliaposhbirdgabiwimothyjosephmangochow1WheelTodQueefTornadoComakazi_Fuzz
    SamDeLanche
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.

    • 173
    • FAVS
    brownpoopypantsnoneofyours99moominpantsMs_Gainsbourg____sammyj_04NetflixMenotbedeliahg47
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    brownpoopypantskikdbakbitchMs_Gainsbourg____sammyj_04NetflixMeComakazi_FuzzNotReallyNo_santhonythomas
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When God closes a door he opens a window. I just hope it's not Windows 8 because I can't find shit there.

    • 181
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilDSLikesItjonfredericBigRob2363ContwixtnotbedeliaShaeAaronqqnqui
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    BigRob2363ContwixtWheelTodComakazi_FuzzNotReallyNo_santhonythomascanadianatlargeRhinoUR
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if someone comes to your cubicle, keep your headphones on and yell "LIVIN THE DREAM! HOW ARE YOU!" over and over until they leave.

    • 187
    • FAVS
    DSLikesItwokkax3wstafricanWakenbake77sammyj_04Comakazi_FuzzmargaretiaNotReallyNo_
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    Wakenbake77Comakazi_FuzzNotReallyNo_RocketRankoonViolent2Dope304dinnersruinedEliHansenMusicenigmaterics
    ahoytheboat______
@TheGladStork

@TheGladStork

I tweet about parenting, cubicles, marriage, and rap music. http://thegladstork.com/ | http://facebook.com/thegladstork | http://c.delict.us/TheGladStork