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  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
    Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
    Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

    • 921
    • FAVS
    themissinglincThe_Dorkster______PhilMeintzerJohn_MaikaPeanutbrosgamesevanwennerCharlieAlcockmidnightwhale
    • 524
    • RETWEETS
    charlmeyerCharlieAlcockmidnightwhaleparhwylawred10HitGirl516b_starrrandrealortiz
    Adam14
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".

    • 540
    • FAVS
    blinkzcha007ryanhancerVallygurl22libster624btompsmellow_my_manashleighmparkeralex_leeper
    • 449
    • RETWEETS
    southrngrace420ryanhancercapslockNdropitMzAsilijFweakofCydoniaOnly_1Utdalex_leeperKellusHvnbnd
    Wakenbake77ScigglezWhatevaConc
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.

    • 591
    • FAVS
    Julia_KwiatSweet_Leafs_Aberra_shun_meFancyNancyAnnetoilelointainekathicoyleKathy_ZemanContwixt
    • 338
    • RETWEETS
    etoilelointaineKathy_ZemanyoungstupidlifeContwixtiwearaonesieYourPalMilo______AllShamNooWowLackOfShame
    dinnersruinedWakenbake77murfer28__________
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

    • 536
    • FAVS
    sammyj_04KhrisWarholnotbedeliaVanillaRoadsContwixthg47LackOfShameKamakazi_Mina
    • 218
    • RETWEETS
    sammyj_04ContwixtToolshredLackOfShameKamakazi_MinaBangMyBongoNotReallyNo_RocketRankoon
    TheCrumbDiaryBooFricketyHoo
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…

    • 437
    • FAVS
    Rlpihlsammyj_04notbedeliaYourPalMilo______CojackAttackLackOfShameKamakazi_MinaLakelandr
    • 209
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaYourPalMilo______LackOfShameNotReallyNo_TheCrumbDiarywickwelkerZomBChowAlanAymie
    deadgoldfish87
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.

    • 398
    • FAVS
    LisaZiaSolelmongoosewandersTweetsByTheTonysammyj_04KhrisWarholLove140ArtnotbedeliaiGreenMonk
    • 214
    • RETWEETS
    LisaZiaSolelTweetsByTheTonynotbedeliaScrambledMceggshg47YourPalMilo______LackOfShameQueefTornado
    LakelandrAlanAymierossbransonYour_Boy_DylanRhiannonsShade
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.

    • 364
    • FAVS
    angel777_paulasammyj_04hg47Kamakazi_MinaLakelandrNotReallyNo_santhonythomasMesjax
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    sammyj_04NotReallyNo_MesjaxTheCrumbDiaryViolent2Dope304tylersorrellsattheUCHunnerGoMeow
    JosesLovesYou
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.

    *new interaction*

    I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.

    • 352
    • FAVS
    KhrisWarholnotbedeliaaveuaskewtrillborgjjgrapesixfootbunnieUhhmIDontKnowAngryKoalaFruit
    • 144
    • RETWEETS
    daredoubleyousixfootbunniesarcasm_incKamakazi_MinaPrairieOutlawDumbCatFacelittlelambiiTheJamesH1
    Rikidus
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.

    • 301
    • FAVS
    sammyj_04Love140ArtnotbedeliaiGreenMonkhg47Kamakazi_MinaaracelyyorkeGus__B
    • 181
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliahg47Gus__BDebaucheronyperhapssomedayalanwdixNotReallyNo_VAFerg
    ProfaneDaneSmithWitBrisketBee______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Being a parent forces you to face many existential questions such as WHY IS THE MONKEY IN THE LION KING JAMAICAN?!

    • 283
    • FAVS
    taggart_stewartangel777_paulasammyj_04notbedeliaKellyeFineWheelTodswollenvoicechassidy_boggs
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    sammyj_04notbedeliaWheelTodQueefTornadoKamakazi_MinaBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_1CleverGirl1
    patcasey72thenoahkinsey
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When my wife pisses me off, I sulk into my infant son's room and call him a son of a bitch just loud enough to be heard on the monitor.

    • 259
    • FAVS
    kukolikhillihaydaniel_frijolesKhrisWarholLove140Artnotbedeliainigoomontoyasexlessinthecty
    • 113
    • RETWEETS
    iwearaonesienotbedeliaKopsekatilexabexa3inigoomontoyablood_rusherrr_Alright2525PYL067
    hg47kentgrossarth5ick5
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'm an atheist so if someone sneezes I say "Cherish this life because after you die, that's it."

    • 232
    • FAVS
    KhrisWarholdelia_shannonnotbedeliataggart_stewartAskAuntieEm1AdderAllStarlulacavilaKamakazi_Mina
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaWheelTodAng3L82NotReallyNo_TrilliloquyRocketRankoonsanthonythomasJennDLock
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I promise to be a good enough father that my son never has to Google "how to use a charcoal grill", like I just did.

    • 234
    • FAVS
    KhrisWarholnotbedeliahg47lindaf1529AskAuntieEm1AdderAllStarKamakazi_MinaDebaucherony
    • 94
    • RETWEETS
    AskAuntieEm1WheelTodKamakazi_MinaNotReallyNo_David_Conway__AmateurIdiotshelbypocketssmishychat
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Jesus Christ, Steve. We see Blue's Clue. It's the fucking paw print right behind you, you condescending asshole.

    • 224
    • FAVS
    sammyj_04KhrisWarholnotbedeliaKamakazi_MinaBeamishBoiNotReallyNo_santhonythomasdinnersruined
    • 103
    • RETWEETS
    NotReallyNo_HunnerGoMeowZomBChowWhervrIMayRoamOhgoddessitsmeEliHansenMusicLilWahineGidgetginanicolebrown
    doublewenis______
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    I'd like to think that in England a hillbilly is called a "William of Hillshire".

    • 194
    • FAVS
    sammyj_04notbedeliahg47MrTinMan25swollenvoiceooforthQueefTornadoKamakazi_Mina
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaWheelTodBoldyBollocksQueefTornadoNotReallyNo_ladyauntiecathyKelgoreTroutscottthetwat______
    Wheres_Samantha
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If someone wants to fight you say "Let's not resort to fisticuffs" then they want to hug you because people who say fisticuffs are adorable.

    • 198
    • FAVS
    sammyj_04notbedeliamangochow1ooforthalrightbobQueefTornadoKamakazi_Minakaytehas2arms
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    WheelTodcraigclaytonseaalrightbobQueefTornadoDebaucheronyNotReallyNo_south_side_danDrrragonHart
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    If "genitals" didn't already mean something, I think it'd be a cool name for a cereal.

    • 178
    • FAVS
    delia_shannonnotbedeliaParentEsqmangochow1sammyj_04WheelTodoofortheastside72
    • 105
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaposhbirdgabiwimothyjosephmangochow1WheelTodQueefTornadoKamakazi_MinaNotReallyNo_
    SamDeLanche
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.

    • 173
    • FAVS
    brownpoopypantsnoneofyours99moominpantsMs_Gainsbourg____sammyj_04NetflixMenotbedeliahg47
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    brownpoopypantskikdbakbitchMs_Gainsbourg____sammyj_04NetflixMeKamakazi_MinaNotReallyNo_santhonythomas
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    When God closes a door he opens a window. I just hope it's not Windows 8 because I can't find shit there.

    • 176
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaShaeAaronqqnquiroutinemalaise3ScrambledMceggshg47Kamakazi_Mina_eyuk
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    WheelTodKamakazi_MinaNotReallyNo_santhonythomascanadianatlargeRhinoURckyrule7bryanmcc74
  • TheGladStork
      The Glad Stork @TheGladStork

    Work tip: if someone comes to your cubicle, keep your headphones on and yell "LIVIN THE DREAM! HOW ARE YOU!" over and over until they leave.

    • 186
    • FAVS
    wokkax3wstafricanWakenbake77sammyj_04Kamakazi_MinamargaretiaNotReallyNo_south_side_dan
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    Wakenbake77Kamakazi_MinaNotReallyNo_RocketRankoonViolent2Dope304dinnersruinedEliHansenMusicenigmaterics
    ahoytheboat______
@TheGladStork

@TheGladStork

I tweet about parenting, cubicles, marriage, and rap music. http://thegladstork.com/ | http://facebook.com/thegladstork | http://c.delict.us/TheGladStork