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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…
I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.
Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.
I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.
I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.
I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.
Being a parent forces you to face many existential questions such as WHY IS THE MONKEY IN THE LION KING JAMAICAN?!
I'm an atheist so if someone sneezes I say "Cherish this life because after you die, that's it."
When my wife pisses me off, I sulk into my infant son's room and call him a son of a bitch just loud enough to be heard on the monitor.
I promise to be a good enough father that my son never has to Google "how to use a charcoal grill", like I just did.
Jesus Christ, Steve. We see Blue's Clue. It's the fucking paw print right behind you, you condescending asshole.
I'd like to think that in England a hillbilly is called a "William of Hillshire".
If "genitals" didn't already mean something, I think it'd be a cool name for a cereal.
If someone wants to fight you say "Let's not resort to fisticuffs" then they want to hug you because people who say fisticuffs are adorable.
Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.
When God closes a door he opens a window. I just hope it's not Windows 8 because I can't find shit there.
Work tip: if someone comes to your cubicle, keep your headphones on and yell "LIVIN THE DREAM! HOW ARE YOU!" over and over until they leave.
I tweet about parenting, cubicles, marriage, and rap music. http://thegladstork.com/ | http://facebook.com/thegladstork | http://c.delict.us/TheGladStork