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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".
If I worked at Michelin, I would sit in meetings all day saying, "Well, let's not reinvent the wheel." And we would all laugh and laugh…
Rappers and politicians: the only jobs where most of the job is talking about how good you are at the job.
I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.
I hate Twitter. It's a waste of time.
I FUCKING LOVE TWITTER.
I tried to check my email from a hipster's MacBook Pro and I accidentally started an Etsy store selling artisan scarves made of hemp.
Being a parent forces you to face many existential questions such as WHY IS THE MONKEY IN THE LION KING JAMAICAN?!
When my wife pisses me off, I sulk into my infant son's room and call him a son of a bitch just loud enough to be heard on the monitor.
Jesus Christ, Steve. We see Blue's Clue. It's the fucking paw print right behind you, you condescending asshole.
I'm an atheist so if someone sneezes I say "Cherish this life because after you die, that's it."
I promise to be a good enough father that my son never has to Google "how to use a charcoal grill", like I just did.
I'd like to think that in England a hillbilly is called a "William of Hillshire".
If someone wants to fight you say "Let's not resort to fisticuffs" then they want to hug you because people who say fisticuffs are adorable.
When God closes a door he opens a window. I just hope it's not Windows 8 because I can't find shit there.
Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.
Work tip: if someone comes to your cubicle, keep your headphones on and yell "LIVIN THE DREAM! HOW ARE YOU!" over and over until they leave.
If "genitals" didn't already mean something, I think it'd be a cool name for a cereal.
I tweet about parenting, cubicles, marriage, and rap music. I also give life advice. Ask the Stork™. http://favstar.fm/users/TheGladStork/recent