Ignorance of my awesomeness doesn't change the reality of my awesomeness.

You are the heat;
& I, the sweat.

I'm just writing tweets here people, if you want to make drama out of it knock yourself out. Literally.

On honour of the holiday, I will be following anyone who can translate "The cheese is old and mouldy" into Spanish today...

Ruh roh. Yesterday was Star Wars Day, today is Revenge of the 5th. ^___^

You remind me of my big toe..
Because i'm gonna bang you on every piece of furniture i own ;)

Two and half hours of sleep, no big deal I got thi...zzzzzzzzz

If a man masturbates twice a week, it reduces his chances of getting prostate cancer? I've tallied up my weekly count and I'm immortal.

Right now, west coast bars are just starting to get busy and weren't we supposed to have teleportation or some shit by now?!

Auditions for The Bachelor Canada and Real Housewives of Vancouver have started. Please keep the trashy reality shows in the States, thanks.

I tried to be different by gaining weight instead of dieting like everyone else and now I've lost whatever few friends I had. :(

When people tell me they love me. It's like giving me a flower. It's beautiful in the beginning but always has that slow withering death.

You're a gift;
I treasure.

Who's idea was it for a "40" hour work week anyway??? I want renegotiations on that

Opiates, because fuck yes!!!

In scary movies how the victim always says "hello? Anybody there?" like the murders gonna be like "yeah in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

"will you have sex with me?" umm what. "Ahh shit auto correct I mean hey"

I hope that at least one pirate during the 1650s used the line, "Surrender that booty" to one of the village wenches.

Before I speak with a woman, I rationalize and act out how the conversation might go so I know not to expect sex.

I just saw my shadow and it looks bony. Six more weeks of starvation.