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I just unbuttoned my pants so I could eat a third piece of pizza. Please love me.
I just saw a homeless man open an invisible door for an imaginary person, and that's probably the nicest thing I'll see all day.
I hate it when you have an anxiety attack but can't remember why so then you have a panic attack because you might have Alzheimer's.
"I don't need sex. I have Waffle House." - saddest thing to cross my mind.
Today., Kim Jong Un threatened to "mercilessly strike" the U.S. He then turned to the camera, made finger guns, and went PEW PEW PEW.
I'm voting tomorrow just to cancel out my father's vote.
Trying to find a low cut shirt because I have to go to Autozone and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Just felt my boobs. They're still awesome.
THIS DOG LOOKS LIKE A MAN AND IS AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION: http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/20932637-Tonik-Poodle-Dog-Mishawaka-IN …
Please don't call me ugly. I prefer "visually terrifying."
"And he knew that they would soon lay together as man and wife, because she was wearing her fuck bonnet." #QuakerErotica
Suddenly, there was silence. The bounce house remained still. And somehow we all knew he had bounced himself to death.
Twitter: Where nice guys pretend to be assholes, and assholes pretend to be nice guys.
When I die, I don't want a funeral. I want a Peace Out Party.
I'm trying so hard to like this coconut water, but it's awful. I'd rather drink semen out of a broken glass.
I wonder what Rick Astley is giving up for Lent.
If you've never crept out of a sleeping child's room raptor-style, then you've never been a parent.
If my milkshakes don't bring the boys to the yard, I'm fairly certain this boob sweat will.
Political correspondent for Cat Fancy magazine.