Taking parking tickets off of cars, making people's days brighter.

I think your punctuation is weird until I realize those are just specks of food on the screen.

Concerned Zooey Deschanel's bangs are scratching her corneas.

You'd think someone like me, who went to grad school, would have no trouble finding employment, and yet here I am, not applying for jobs.

My mom's actual advice for my date tonight: "Don't let him know your true self".

Joining the dark side reduces your risk of melanoma.

I can't tell white people apart.

I know this is 22 years late, but Twin Peaks, am I right?

There's just no element of surprise in the periodic table.

For unattractive Jewish people, everyday is Passover.

"I'm very impressed by how you handled that breakup." - No one to me

The reason why Barack Obama is so good at running for president is because he's part Kenyan.

My mom keeps telling me she wishes she was a grandma. Okay, we get it, Mom. You wish you were old.

If a black person and white person get married, their kids will be grey.

ME: Guess what happened to me yesterday.
MOM: Nothing?

Her gloves bloodied, the dental hygienist asked me a question she already knew the answer to: Do you floss?

my water just broke (dropped an ice cube)

"I'm not wearing anything...on my ring finger," is what I used to say seductively to my boyfriend over the phone. He has broken up with me.

So glad blind people don't see us unabashedly staring at them as they navigate through their environment.

The only acting I do is with any person I'm with, the whole time.