I have 241 followers. Bet I can get that up to 250 before August.

I wanted to start a word, "Twitterdict". One addicted to Twitter. Then I realized people would say "What? You have a twitchy dick?"

Drunk at the store! Can't wait to find out what I got me!

There's a funny drunk guy on TV. Oh, wait, my TV is off. I was looking at my reflection. Never mind.

I've had a stressful, busy week and haven't been inspired to tweet much. Hopefully my muse will be back soon. RIP Ryan Dunne.

I used a leaf blower for the first time yesterday, and a whole new range of possibilities popped up for uses. Mostly involving my penis.

I think in stereo.

I hope my pogo stick practice at 1 a.m. doesn't bother my downstairs neighbors.

It's almost 2 a.m. I should go to bed, the dogs get up early and just sit by the door and meow until I let them out. Plus I'm exhausted.

@halfjewhalfmisc @lil_angi @stacetoned @ieatgingers @lisafarted @larisasays @hoodievixen @elleyeah8 @gaymber @ohnoshetwitnt aww yeahh

When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be normal again (please please please)

I hate lazy, selfish, stupid bitches who get by on looks and get away with shit just because they charm people. I'm not falling for it.

I hope someday that they make a book of all my best tweets. That would be 5 pages I could be proud of.

I am such a dork. Strangely, I'm proud of that.

@bdbdleeroybrown And yet nobody gives a shit about vegetable molesters. I just don't get it.

I love one woman and one woman only. I don't deserve her. She's beautiful from every aspect. Her laughter is music that I strive to hear.

@stephstartsover Funny, same here...

If you wave for me to cross the street in front of you, don't fucking rev your engine like I'm delaying you, asstwat.

Two women today gave me a semi-boner. Today was AWESOME.

For my followers who are easily offended, piss cock cunt motherfucker cocksucker shithole asswipe. Who else wants to negotiate?