I like to slip my girlfriend a roofie every now and then. Not for sex, just so she will shut the fuck up for a few hours.

I had sex with a Chinese girl earlier. I was horny again an hour later.

Conjunction junction, what is your fucking problem? Wait, I might have remembered that incorrectly....

You know those dudes who have joint Facebook accounts with their wives have already been caught fucking the babysitter at least once.

I just worked harder assembling my favstar list than I did to get my Master's Degree.

My friend just yelled "This bar sucks! Turn up the music!". I had to tell him we left the bar an hour ago and were at Taco Bell. #Tequila

The quake damage in West Virginia is staggering: 3 shacks collapsed, 2 trailers rolled off their lots, and 7 dangling teeth fully detached.

I just saw the fall lineup for CBS. I don't think "Touched by an Uncle" will be very successful...

Why in the hell does Twitter keep unfollowing people without my consent? Are these women sending the restraining orders directly to Twitter?

The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire.
Seriously.
The roof is on fire.
Please call 911.

Sorry, sweetheart. It is going to take a lot more than a great picture of your boobs to get me to follow you. HA! Just kidding...

Dane Cook is currently trending? Did I doze off and wake up in 2002?

I just handed out my first trophy. I felt like an anxious parent waiting by the finish line at the Special Olympics.

I put the single stick figure on my rear window with the woman and two kids lying down. People will think my family died and let me merge.

When I start dating someone new, I ask two questions. 1.) Do you own a Catholic schoolgirl outfit? 2.) What size do you need?

Sssssshh! I don't think Shaun White knows Carrot Top fucked his mom.

Lil Wayne looks like the result of a mad scientist's experiment to clone a cockroach.

I thought I saw Madonna earlier in Super Bowl Village, but it was a parking meter with a bag over it.

It's that time of year in which everyone on Facebook in Indiana plays the game, "I haven't turned on my furnace yet, have you???" Kill me...

If she is sitting alone at the bar in a dress with a glass of wine, I am going to assume she is a prostitute. Blame Hollywood.