He was all "FINE! GO BE A WHORE!"

And I'm all "Calm down, Grandpa. Grandma's just going to bingo."

If Jerry Lewis doesn't think women are funny, he should get a twitter account.

It's funny how black dudes never scream racism when you stereotype them as having huge cocks.

If I could be any superhero, I'd probably be Bo Jackson.

Tommy Chong turned 75 years old today, so what were you saying about how marijuana is really bad for you?

I had a beard before they were cool, because lazy.

Is Ke$ha spelled Ke£ha in England?

I wonder how much money it would take to get Morgan Freeman to read the lyrics to 'Back that ass up' out loud.

The fact that Christopher Robin's parents let him play alone deep in the Hundred Acre Wood explains why he talked to stuffed animals.

If I had a dollar for every asshole driver I saw, I could retire ten minutes into my work commute.

There's over 7 billion people on this planet and only about 6 will talk to me, I think this is how you win at life, you guys.

Really Cosmo? 50 tips on how to make your guy horny? What the fuck are the 49 things after "touch his penis"?

Too many Goofus's and not enough Gallant's.

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever

Want to shock people? Buy food at Walmart and pay in cash.

I just called McDonald's and they still don't deliver. It's like Obama isn't even fuckin' trying...

Judging by the loud rap music coming from your minivan, I'm gonna assume that your life didn't quite turn out like you planned, bro.

Her vagina gives the best handjobs.

It's my wedding and I'll register for a full size NBA Jam arcade game if I want!

Calm the fuck down, whore. They're called eyebrows, not upside down Nike symbols.