THE INTERNET CAUSED YOU TO HAVE CRUSHES ON PEOPLE WHO LIVE NO WHERE NEAR YOU GEOGRAPHICALLY BUT YOU STILL LOVE THEM!

Contrary to popular belief, I do not exist outside the internet.

Is it cool if guys pee themselves a bit or is that only for girls, where it cute for them to pee themselves? either way i just did...

I'm worried sick with all the unrest in Africa. I hope my Nigerian Prince's are safe and are still getting the checks I've been sending.

Using my inside your head voice.

TWO WORDS: TACO WAFFLE (ok four, well six, ok eight, never mind eleven)

Whatever your doing if its not topless, I'm not watching you do it.

stll not letting white people use the n word in conversation #blackfriday

You're supposed to be able to ask you're neigbhor 4 help, I got a wtf look, I asked for a cup of north african camel semen, NOT A GALLON!

I use my morning wood to open doors for me, it's the closest thing to "the force" besides that time i got mystic in the woods on shrooms.

Changing my name to Lawrence of Her Labia.

You know what I love more than kicking babies? Nothing.

REMEMBER THAT TIME I WAS FROZEN IN CARBONITE AND YOU KEPT RUBBING MY CROTCH INSTEAD OF GETTING ME OUT!
HAAALLLAAAAARIOUS!

My favorite shade of gray is probably Dorian.

Started sobbing heavily in the car to start physically preparing for Radioheads new album. See also: emo lube

All the Kennedy's I love are dead.

If you feel something on your shoulder, its not my hand.

You know you have a good dentist by the firm grip he has on your ass, when you enter and leave his office.

Does this white window less van make me look creepy? I had to tweet this cause talking with this ball gag isn't as easy as one might think.

I missed my doctors appointment by 25 hours, so close!