Sometimes I blow up your AVI and place my balls ever so gently on your forehead and hum the Ren and Stimpy theme song

You know what beats a man that beats a woman? Me.

I just saw a pregnant woman I'd like to make double-pregnant.

Don't your Ankles miss your ears?

A good rule of thumb is don't say stupid shit like rule of thumb.

Twitter - 'Making you care about people you've never met. Then ripping your heart out when they leave.' - Since 2006.

My life is caving in on itself and it makes me feel _________.

[ ] Worried

[ ] Helpless

[✔] Snake Hammer

Friends: Those people who visit you in prison and aren't expecting you to run drugs for them when you're released.

I bet it'd be pretty embarrassing if a woman saw your erection and wasn't terrified of it.

Had dinner with Rasputin. He ate the garnish and died twice before dessert.

Here's my thought on smokeless tobacco: if there weren't women still willing to fuck these guys, they wouldn't do it.

But what IF vomit tasted good.

I am cursed with the sex drive of a 17yr old boy, and the cuddle drive of a 2mo old kitten.

Lotta experts on karma on twitter today.

Q: what's better than eating a mandarin?












A: eating Amanda out

Everyone hopes for a quick and painless death, yet the excruciating throes of death are the only moments you'll truly know you're alive.

After practicing yoga for a few years, I'm finally flexible enough to put my feet behind my head, masturbate furiously and sniff my fingers.

You had me at fuck. You lost me at love. I can do one but not the other

I get so horny when I breathe.

FORWARD THIS LETTER TO THREE DECEASED PROSTITUTES NAMED 'CARL' IN THE NEXT NINE SECONDS OR YOU WILL DIE IMMEDIATELY *FOREVER*.