If u are thinking of posting an inspirational tweet, don't, you're not Churchill, you're Pete, and u work in sales.

Oh I get it, Donald Trump is Biff from Back to the Future 2.

My current fitness level is pudding.

Christian rock creeps me out more than spiders with human faces.

"Don't hide your inner self because flowers are meant to bloom" - some bullshit I just made up go fuck yourself

Girls don't like it when you call them "kiddo," then slap their tit.

Yelling "You're out of my league!!" at every woman I meet is flirting right?

What's the sitcom where the husband is always wrong and the wife is sassy?

When people label themselves "free spirits," I imagine they are simply at peace with being incredibly annoying.

Well I hit 800, and now I can say that I am not here to make you laugh, but have been waiting for this moment to talk you about Jesus.

If I ever meet my soulmate I am pretty sure we are going to destroy each other's lives.

Davy Crockett was my hero as a child, but he was the Ed Gein of raccoons.

The last time I flirted with a girl at a bar I told her I was going to the bathroom then went home and ate cold chicken tenders.

Just remember your grandma was the one that made your mom crazy.

I will honor Gay Pride month by being fabulous, normally I am just lukewarm sassy.

I thought your AVI was a picture of a gorilla or something but it was just you lying on the bed oddly trying to show off your tits.

I don't care tacos just taste better in the bushes of your ex's old house.

Imagine how many people are going to be forced to meet their mom’s E-Harmony boyfriends tomorrow.

Not only did the rhythm get me, but now I have a rather inconvenient coke habit.

You know there are Madame Tussaud's employees that do unspeakable things with those sculptures.