If u are thinking of posting an inspirational tweet, don't, you're not Churchill, you're Pete, and u work in sales.

Oh I get it, Donald Trump is Biff from Back to the Future 2.

My current fitness level is pudding.

Christian rock creeps me out more than spiders with human faces.

"Don't hide your inner self because flowers are meant to bloom" - some bullshit I just made up go fuck yourself

Girls don't like it when you call them "kiddo," then slap their tit.

Yelling "You're out of my league!!" at every woman I meet is flirting right?

Davy Crockett was my hero as a child, but he was the Ed Gein of raccoons.

When people label themselves "free spirits," I imagine they are simply at peace with being incredibly annoying.

Well I hit 800, and now I can say that I am not here to make you laugh, but have been waiting for this moment to talk you about Jesus.

What's the sitcom where the husband is always wrong and the wife is sassy?

I only believe in heaven when talking about Phil Hartman.

Imagine how many people are going to be forced to meet their mom’s E-Harmony boyfriends tomorrow.

I will honor Gay Pride month by being fabulous, normally I am just lukewarm sassy.

Not only did the rhythm get me, but now I have a rather inconvenient coke habit.

I thought your AVI was a picture of a gorilla or something but it was just you lying on the bed oddly trying to show off your tits.

Hey homophobes, it gets worse.

Having a “birthday week” is a very serious sign of depression and existential malcontent.

The last time I flirted with a girl at a bar I told her I was going to the bathroom then went home and ate cold chicken tenders.

You know there are Madame Tussaud's employees that do unspeakable things with those sculptures.