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I love America, that's where all my stuff is.
If u are thinking of posting an inspirational tweet, don't, you're not Churchill, you're Pete, and u work in sales.
Oh I get it, Donald Trump is Biff from Back to the Future 2.
When people label themselves "free spirits," I imagine they are simply at peace with being incredibly annoying.
My current fitness level is pudding.
Christian rock creeps me out more than spiders with human faces.
"Don't hide your inner self because flowers are meant to bloom" - some bullshit I just made up go fuck yourself
Girls don't like it when you call them "kiddo," then slap their tit.
Yelling "You're out of my league!!" at every woman I meet is flirting right?
Social Media = 3 parts “oh hey cool” & 1 part “this is killing me somehow”
Davy Crockett was my hero as a child, but he was the Ed Gein of raccoons.
Well I hit 800, and now I can say that I am not here to make you laugh, but have been waiting for this moment to talk you about Jesus.
What's the sitcom where the husband is always wrong and the wife is sassy?
I only believe in heaven when talking about Phil Hartman.
Hey homophobes, it gets worse.
I will honor Gay Pride month by being fabulous, normally I am just lukewarm sassy.
If I ever meet my soulmate I am pretty sure we are going to destroy each other's lives.
Imagine how many people are going to be forced to meet their mom’s E-Harmony boyfriends tomorrow.