It's not murder if you put the knife in their hand and say, "Stop killing yourself. Stop killing yourself."

I report every private Twitter account to the FBI, because they're hiding something and I'm an American.

How dare you unfollow me after I never followed you back!

To people who tweet that they'd be funnier if given 160 characters: No, you wouldn't.

Jeopardy sent me a cease and desist letter because of my emails requesting they have a "Strange Things Guys Fuck" category.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! Unless you're outside the U.S., then Happy Thursday, Communists!

I'm the Sharon Tate of throwing a party that starts off really well, but goes downhill really fucking fast.

Wow, this is the worst Black History Month ever.

R.I.P. Whitney Houston

There needs to be a Twitter civil war between the Beliebers and the non-Beliebers.

#LadiesWeWantAnswers You wanted equality, but we still can't punch you in the face. What's up with that?

"Wow, she's cute. She has 2,000 followers and only follows 300. She'll never follow back. Bitch. Whore."

Twitter is just like high school.

I can't believe many of us are parents.

I don't think any of these Ted accounts are the real bear : (

Remember when "star fucking" simply meant blowing Nikki Sixx after a show?

Next to the "Favorite" button, there should be a button that just goes "Boooooo!!!"

#badfirstdatequestions You mind holding this chloroform rag against your mouth and nose for about five seconds?

Goddamn Christmas tree won't flush.

Mapquest could cut six or so steps every time by assuming I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

#worstbbqever the Holocaust

I can't make you love me, but I can keep you in that crawlspace until you're too weak to fight.