Paul Gascoigne's outside the NOTW offices with a few carrier bags of Lilt and a frozen chicken.

Knock knock.
'Who's there?'
'Grandad.'
'Shit! Stop the funeral!'

The Prince married his princess, the evil overlord is dead and we've had a four day weekend. Have Pixar overpowered God?

Jurassic Park 4 will be a 90 minute slow-mo shot of Hugh Hefner getting out of the bath.

Brilliant. The Batman Evolution on the @behance Network: http://t.co/jPnxrWQP

The new Coldplay single is so middle of the road it might as well have been a series of white lines and a squashed badger.

I've got 3000 pictures of Pocahontas, this heroine addiction is out of control.

Every time you RT this tweet Michael Gove gets a punch in the ribs.

Charles Darwin married his cousin, surely if anyone knew that was a bad idea it'd be him.

My best mate caught me sniffing his wife's knickers while she was still wearing them. It made the rest of her funeral very awkward.

Guy shows me pictures of his kids for hours, that's fine. I show him pictures of his kids, that is apparently not fine.
#lifelessons

This alien just said to me 'cunty cocksack minge rimmer dick.'
He must've been an extra-tourettestrial.

Christine Bleakley looks like a xylophone being forced through a donkey.

Click. 'What about now?'
Click. 'Done?'
Click. 'Nearly there?'
Click. 'Surely now?'

Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.

This 3D telly is amazing, it's like they're actually in my living ro. . . oh hold on, I'm being burgled.

Ryan Giggs is today in deep prayer that no cards arrive for him tomorrow.

Forgot I left the telly on when I went out. Just spent 5 minutes in the garden thinking Bargain Hunt was a burglar.

All I asked was 'is it hard to wipe your arse with hooves?'
#blockedBySarahJessicaParker

A step aside from my usual rantings to say Twitter should make that entire list a reality for this courageous girl.

#AliceBucketList

Before Facebook I just used to ring 190 people and say 'I've just eaten a whole trifle lolz.'