I know I don't have a vote, but I wish Jason Sudeikis' dancing character in "What's up with that" got its own sketch. No dialogue. #SNL

i’ve used this vending machine twice and both times it’s given me 1 extra item on accident. pretty sure karma will kick in and i’ll die soon

.@americanair please have optional DTF flights people can take if they are DTF. maybe the plane could have a velvet interior and sexy seats

.@greyhoundbus please make an optional DTF bus that people can ride if they are DTF. then i won’t have to keep guessing

Yelp reviews tell you much more about the customer than the restaurant.

Not how you want your hashtag to go viral RT @filthyrichmond .@yoplait I spit a stripper's cum into my drunk friend's mouth. #swapportunity

Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Or really big sword, entering it.

Path sends somewhat conflicting messages on privacy. pic.twitter.com/FcEm0ArCde

Landed in London. 1st stop: the Burger King's palace.

Sexy trick: sit on your hand til it goes numb. Then, gently caress your head with your own limp hand. Shhhh. Go to sleep. You're beautiful.

The ghosts of your dead relatives tangle your earbuds when they catch you watching porn.

that doesn’t have to be an animated gif. and turn off the subtitles. and just don’t post it at all it’s funnier on tv instead of your tumblr

.@jaketapper on @cnn: "I wish every time we mention the suspects' names we could mention the victims." Really? Then why don't you?

*thinks about whether i should call it a ‘dick’ or a ‘wiener’* look ma, i’m a “Content Strategist”

HANG UP ON GRANDMA AND PUT THE KIDS TO BED, IT’S TIME FOR CUSS WORDS fuck dick shit tits boobs boobs boobs hooters boobs boob boobs

Really not looking forward to the avalanche of "How Social Media Changed Journalism Forever" decks that are about to rain down on us all.

"I heard it on CNN!" CNN: "I heard it on Reddit!" Reddit: "Police scanner!" Police: "We were mentioning a tweet!" Twitter: "I'M 14 LOL SWAG"

dear @twitter your search function “corrects” ‘Wario Lopez’ to ‘Mario Lopez’ but that is not correct

im loyal to your brand now because you posted a tweet where i fill in the blank on a sentence. now i love your #brand. #SocialMedia #SEO

#DamnThatsReal #RealParodyLaughs #DamnItsTrue #Quotes #Texting #Real #Fun “@mclovinparody: You texting me first = A big smile on my face.”