If Twitter won't allow me to tweet a blank tweet, then how the hell are you all going to KNOW when I'm giving you the silent treatment?

To me they're spare ribs, but I'll bet the farm, that the cow still doesn't see it that way.

I really do aspire to be an excellent writer, but right now I am to Citizen Kane what Wierd Al Yankovic is to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

My thinking cap has a bumper sticker on it that reads "My other hat is an ass hat", Related: My ass hat gets better mileage on Twitter St.

It's the person who could speak the truth, with the Devils gleem in their eyes, that could rule the world, not the other way around.

I think if they sent 5 million fleshlights, vibrators, and dildos along with the food, there would be less people to feed next time around.

Never throw a surprise party for a person that has a gun permit. Just sayin.

Ok Tweeps, my bug circus is done rehearsing for the evening, and it takes time to get the ring master outfit off the praying mantis. Later!

I think Twitter is the reason less women go to the bathroom in groups.

If it weren't for my followers, I'd just be the village idiot of an abandoned ghost town.

Some of the most brilliant original things ever thought up are hidden away in the time lines of everyday people. I love to time line explore

I`m a polite person who was raised properly, so I would NEVER say "fuck off and die" to anyone with out the obligatory "Please" in front.

The odds of your downstairs neighbor being outside are 1 in 12, decide to piss off of the balcony, and they instantly change to 1 in 2

Cook like Julia Child is swinging a spatula at you.

Do I need a 30-day hipster permit to put 'wasabi mustard' on my BLT sandwich, if it's just this one time? If necessary, I'll remove the LT.

The cucumbers are usually on the first isle, but the spray dairy whip is on the last isle... coincidence, or marketing? Your move grocery.

I know Halloween is upon us, my spirit animal is puting on his real animal costume.

When you play them at slow speed, all movie fight scenes look like the zombie apocalypse.

Can licking ones own penis and balls all day be harmful? - Askin for a man's best friend.

If a big bear could talk, I`ll bet he`d sound like Barry White, except he`d be talking about honey, fish, and stuff because he`s just a bear