When certain people star my tweets, I feel like the popular guy in school just stuck his hand in my panties

When a guy says he doesn't eat pussy,I always say...well, nothing, because he's pretty much dead to me at that point.

Hey ladies - you know the easiest way to get a guy to fuck you?

Ask.

I give a fuck. I give a lot of them: Fuck this day, fuck this job, fuck feelings, fuck me, fuck you. See?

People who put their location on their tweets obviously have the luxury of believing everyone here is mentally stable.

A real man doesn't judge your past and understands that without it, he wouldn't be receiving those perfect blow jobs.

I spend more time in the bathroom now that I'm on twitter than I did when I was doing coke.

I'm broke and can't afford fancy vibrators so I just have to use a real cock like a fucking cavewoman.

Me: "You used to live in my belly."

4: "Because you swallowed me?"

Me: "I DIDN'T swallow you. That's the whole point."

Are you happy? Do you like yourself? Well then, fuck everyone else.

Of all my imaginary friends, you guys are my favorites

Sometimes a lady just wants to be choked a little bit while you're fucking her, okay?

Fuck letting him 'tap' my ass...either spank it like a man or get the fuck out.

If whiskey came out of penises instead of semen, I'd be the drunkest slut ever.

I just got bent over and fucked in public! His name is gas pump #3...

Funny how I can deep throat a cock like nobody's business but I get the toothbrush too close to the back of my tongue and I basically vomit.

Never underestimate the titty fuck

One great thing about jokes is that they're free! You just have to know how to fucking take one.

My son will be 4 next week but I swear he seems so fucking mature when he pauses his cartoons to go take a shit

I envy small boobs. If I could get away with going braless under a halter top, my nipples would be on constant display.