Hey teens! Less time learning shitty dance moves. More time learning how belts work.

The most fabulous distance between two points is a gay line.

I looked up "dictionary" in the dictionary. It said,"Really, asshole?"

The fastest way to a man's heart is to shut the fuck up already, jeez.

Sexiest car problem: Blown Head


Least sexy car problem: Blown Tranny

Ladies, when cultivating your pubes, there are only 3 acceptable options.
1.The Full Zip
2.The Landing Strip
3.The Dorito Chip

Thank you.

Netflix just suggested I go outside once in awhile.

Gay men are so particular about their clothes and their hair. It only makes sense that they would be anal about sex.

First rule of Paranoia Club is...who told you there was a Paranoia Club? It was Bob, wasn't it? Tell me it was Bob! Was it Bob?

Donald Duck would be excellent at Twitter. He's already got the whole no pants thing down to a science.

When I was a kid, I used to think being 33 meant being old. Now that I'm 33, I realize how smart I was as a kid.

Did you ever notice that psychics are either really sad or really angry? There is no happy medium.

I'm totally going to steal my old tweets...then call myself out...then force myself to quit Twitter...then start over...again.

There should be separation of church and Facebook.

This idiot told me that the pen is mightier than the sword. So, I cut his hand off while he tried to write me a strong worded letter.

Here's to a typo free 2031.

Before you begin to not care, make sure the ceiling fan is off before throwing your hands up.

Child support is killing me. I can't wait until my kids are 18. Or until one of them murders their mother. Either way.

Yeah bitches! I have a fucking Eagle on my soap because I'm so badass! Oops, nevermind. It's a Dove. I always get those two confused.

My small penis looks oddly disproportionate to my gigantic ego.