The true worth of a man is found in the quality of his steering wheel drum solos.

No matter how much they beg, I refuse to have my picture taken with celebrities.

People who like to 'bring it' need to leave immediately after dropping it off.

If your name is Chad...just keep walking, buddy.

No need to bring up the weather. I am aware of the weather. I AM IN THE FUCKING WEATHER.

I'm not worried, there's still plenty of time to accomplish nothing today.

I'm just not that into me.

The higher the pants, the more incoherent the rants.

New medical report claims drinking 20 or more alcoholic beverages per day reduces your risk of employment by 100%.

Hope I never find myself in a bouncy castle with Gary Busey.

If surveyed, most of the women I've had sex with would probably say the highlight was the wheezing dismount.

A fun way to lose friends on Facebook is by going to a recent picture of them and commenting, "Jesus. What the hell happened to you?"

The only one giving love a bad name is Bon Jovi.

My body is a wonder what happened land.

Everyone looks like a serial killer after a long bus trip.

Most serious Twitter offence: Stealing tweets

Most serious Facebook offence: Leaving out key ingredient for muffin recipe

Feeling out of sorts. Off to the Sorts store.

I miss sidewalk tricycle races.

Still looking for a way to put my middle name to work for me.

"I hope tonight's not the night." - Rod Stewart's current wife