I don't understand how teenage girls get pregnant. Teenage boys are the most annoying creatures on the entire fucking planet.

When gay dudes hit on me I don’t want them to think I'm homophobic so I just laugh at them and tell them I am way out of their league.

You know what love is? I have been with my wife for 16 years and I still try to look up her dress when she is higher up the stairs than me.

Watching my daughter play at the park with a little girl and I wonder, is it wrong to think of a 5 yr old as a horrid bitch?

A one star tweet tells me that there is one person out there who really gets me. I kinda like it. Which is good, because it happens a lot.

I feel the neeed to tweet but I have nothing to say. So, um, boobs and facebook sucks. Also, fuck.

You ever do something so stupid that you wonder how you have enough brain cells to keep your lungs functioning?

Lady as she came in from the rain, 'I've never been this wet in my life.'
Me, 'calm down lady, this is a school.'

She was not amused.

Those of you without children, I hope you appreciate the ability to have sex when the sun is up.

Have you ever looked at a dollar bill and wondered just how much g-string stripper sweat it has absorbed?

I like to use fake names at starbucks, my favorites so far are xerxes and thor. They never miss a beat, just write it on the cup.

Dad, 'There are plenty of other fish in the sea'

Son, 'What? I don't even like the taste of fish'

Dad, 'That is probably why she left'

Fuck meetings. Fuck them in their stupid, greasy, syphalitic asses.

'This is a great tweet, I am about to get starfucked to death'! Thought that precedes 1 star tweets.

My wife is outraged that 'words with friends' won't let her play the word cunt. I love this chick.

I just bought some of those vacuum storage bags and they have a warning lable not to put babies in them. Guess I'm taking them back.

My daughter just hit the 16 minute mark of the song she is making up on the fly. Weird part is that it is kinda awesome.

I'm not really feeling it today, so think of something really fucking funny, pretend I said it and then star this tweet.

I have a kid in my class who only wears 80's metal band tshirts with the arms cut off. He is also the only white kid. Way to represent dude.

Just saw a dude at the store with flowers, a jug of carlo rassi wine and a pack of trojans. That motherfucker is living the dream.