Daily advice: Never drunkly knock on a cop car window shouting "little pig, little pig let me in." Because they will.

"Fuck you, I have 3 kids!" Has become my excuse for everything from why I never get ready to why I hit that guy with my car...

I'm having a standoff with this stray cat in my backyard... WHY WON'T SHE LET ME LOVE HER!!??

If someone unfollows me I just assume they have done something terrible, and are punishing themselves...

I hate when I go outside and my neighbors are outside too!!

Fun fact: I was kicked out of my French class in high school for going "oh lala" in a French voice after every thing the teacher said...

If I'm interviewing you to baby sit my children and I say " you remind me of myself at your age" that is not a good thing and I won't call u

I carry a sharpy and beanies in my car, in case we drive through the hood we can draw on tear drops, so the homies know we're down...

My daughter keeps listening to kesha would someone kill me so I don't go to hell for suicide? I joking... I don't believe in hell

I think I'm going to ruin someone's day today.... Cause ya know, pay it forward and shit.

Some days, i feel as though you guys are just using me for stars...
That's not true,right? We're real friends now right????????????

All of our eulogies from our children will sound something like this."She was a great mom when she wasn't on twitter or drunk..."

I like to prance circles around my husband and sing " I'll never leave"
I think it makes his day...

God, I am so sick of people and their FEELINGS!

Can we all agree that all carnies must be sex offenders?

I feel superior to my neighbors, because I have a dyson... and they're stupid bitches...

Sometimes I feel like not enough people are obsessed and or stalking me...
Nobody ever stalks me...

Don't judge me because I say things like 'Up your butt with a coconut'. Judge me because I stick my tongue out and say nananana afterwards.

My neighbors house is in fire. She's such a attention whore. Geez.

"Some of the coolest people I ever knew were chronic masturbators." -Me reflecting on life (twitter) years from now.