Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
It's not a "missed call" if I didn't want to answer in the first place.
Bananas Foster The People #fatbands
Hugh Hefner reported to have said "There are plenty of fish in the sea", truly showing how out of touch he is with modern ocean ecology.
Honey, I Aborted The Kids #MuchDarkerMovie
Wanna fuck? No? TOO BAD! #AnimalPickupLines
"I absolutely cannot believe that Caylee's death has gone unavenged," Says Nancy Grace, unaware that the Judicial system is not Batman.
"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."- Shania Twain
Shitload of cop cars flying east on Chicago ave. I spotted at least 15. Someone must have tried to videotape one of them.
My girlfriend is just like a car; I don't have a car.
Social media is really good for teaching you that people you're supposed to like have awful taste in EVERYTHING.
They say it's a good idea to pee in your wet suit to stay warm, but don't do it because it's drafty in the sporting goods store.
Did you guys know that @nottjmiller gained 20 pains? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shira-lazar/comedian-tj-miller-on-cha_b_2908420.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003&ir=Comedy …
Hey guys, I am a dod bird who drinks out of troughs.
"All Glory to GOD" is usually what you hear right before a terrorist murders you and about 50 other people. So glad it's trending right now.
Cloudy With A Chance Of Infanticide #MuchDarkerMovie
OIF Veteran. Future failed comic. Defender of gluten. My penis is an excellent listener. Just assume all of my tweets are parodying WitStream.