Nothing says "mentally ill and loving it" like stuffed animals in your car window.

Blocking your family on Twitter is the new hiding your stash of porn magazines.

No situation has ever been made worse by adding titties to it.

I find it an honor that people take the time to unfollow me.

Love is what Lilly & Marshall have and that's that.

I put the onion rings inside me like they're coins to my jukebox.

If I could have back all the time Ive spent staring into freezers I'd learn to play the piano.

MSN has become the #1 favorite hangout for all the ghosts on the internet.

Just saw Sarah Michelle Gellar at the supermarket

Everytime i visit a website, I Check the " Remember Me" button in order to feel good about my weight.

And as Weed go with Greed, so is their absence in my weekly days.

95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.

How can you expect others to fuck you when you don't even fuck yourself?!

I killed my tooth fairy, That's why i have such a hideous smile.

I don't go out much. It smells like feet and ketchup out there.

Don't give me that look where you pretend you never went home with a stranger's calculator before.

Spoiler Alert: Tomorrow's

So alone in my dreams I might call them nightmares.

Dang it my clit looks good in the morning.

Honoring the vast number of people who died in order to ensure the popularity of quarterbacks everywhere through this tweet.