There's nothing I want to see more in the world than one of those gorillas that knows sign language arguing with a deaf creationist.

Shy people probably find more money on the ground than confident people.

I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby.

You'd think a smart bomb would realize that violence isn't the answer.

Did anyone ever stop to consider that perhaps Trent Reznor fucks animals?

Roommates: Just to let you know, if you see my hat hanging from the doorknob outside my door, that means I'm in my room looking for my hat.

"I'm dropping science!" - Rappers, apple trees, English majors

I love Twitter. It's like all of the world's best public restroom graffiti right on my computer screen.

If you're going to stretch out your ear lobes, go full nine and get 'em under your arms to wear your own head like a backpack.

I could really go for some cuddling, right now. If that means having to partake in some hot, steamy, power fucking, so be it.

The tiger trap in my yard yielded zero tigers but one girl scout. Ah, well. A rug is a rug, I suppose...

Anyone wanna find a popular high school kid's kegger this weekend, show up with hard drugs, and ruin their lives?

If I'm fingering someone, I use my pinky. My dick needs all the contrast it can get.

The list of things I would do in space is also the list of reasons why I'll never be allowed to go into space.

Sorry about the Paterno jokes. Today we should be focusing on the NFL, where they rape adults.

Anyone have pictures of corn on the cob holders tattooed on the sides of their vagina?

I hired a guy to show up at my ex's house with a giant bouquet of beautiful flowers and say "Sorry, wrong house." when she answers the door.

I'm going to open an Old Country Buffet but, instead of food, we just beat you with aluminum bats. You can have as much as you want, though.

I think we all need to take a hard look at how internet pornography is preventing our youth from finding an old Hustler in the woods.

4 out of 5 dentists agree: Dentist #5 is a real asshole.