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Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”....
The difference between the girls I've dated & Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
I only have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich....
I like funny women the most. Means they harbor some deep seeded mental deficiency, and they're the most exciting during a breakup...
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station....
While driving tonight I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
Money can't buy happiness... but it sure can buy silence. Or silencers.
My date was wearing some panties the other day. On the front it said 'I'd do anything for love"... on the back it said 'but I wont do that'
Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
People don't Cry because they're weak. They Cry because they've been Strong for too long. #FACT
Who the fuck makes a vanilla bean and coffee shake in the morning....I do that's fucking who.
Imagine if twitter was actually used to spread positive messages of love and support...we'd all have to go back facebook..
I have unfollowed 27 people today... cause they sucked ass...or didn't suck ass... one or the other.
I hate cleaning up after murder.
Looking for a new time zone to tweet from...hopefully one with more followers..
Camping trip, The guys were regaling the women with stories of courage and toughness...as I sat quietly, stoking the fire with my dick.
I wanted to tweet something witty about my plans tonight, but the just got cancelled. Dwarf couldn't make it. He has small pox.
#thingslongerthankimsmarriage a jewish foreskins, life expectancy..
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
The task, is not so much to see what no one has seen; but instead, to think what no one has thought; about that, which everybody sees. #Vikingproblems ♋♌
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