I think pie should be served prior to talks in congress to calm everyone down and put them in a good mood.

This is my political platform: Cupcakes for everyone.

Everyone keeps saying today is the best holiday. Everyone says that around Christmas. And Halloween. And Black History Month.

If we're going to keep pretending that the royal family matters, they should at least behead someone now and then. Remind us they matter.

Just heard a tour guide tell a bunch of people the third floor of the library is completely silent. But only because NO ONE GOES THERE

I use a pot to make pancake batter because I don't have a large mixing bowl. #TheApartment

#ff @macfaulkner @kevinmax @deadspin @marylandmudflap @jephjacques @wilw All of the weirdly hilarious people I like

Why yes, I am sitting in my living room with my #Crew96 scarf on watching the match.

I hate when people who aren't my boss tell me how to do my job -_-

@domdeebz IMMA DRIVE TO NASHVILLE AND WE CAN BE IRRATIONAL TONIGHT

90s guy in a red flannel vest over a white dress shirt. @n8lockwood, meet your predecessor

@domdeebz DOM IS GOING TO A BIBLE STUDY? WHAT HAS NASHVILLE DONE TO YOU? DO YOU FEEL ILL?

#scumbagbrunswick

I really want to meet an attractive Scottish woman. And then date her. I think I could die then.

I get infinitely more dorky around @audioper

Michael kent just ran across backstage naked. I think hes lost his mind. Aw snap. #NACAMAM10

When I go skydiving I'm yelling "To infinity, and BEYOND!" when I jump.

I shall be buying @ludorocks new single today. Because i want it with whipped cream on it. Baby gimme gimme gimme your love.

I thought about what my chances with this girl was, then I came to my senses. #Mostofyouareoutofmyleague

Goal: don't be a depressed douche on the internet like last year.