"I hope this tweet starts a craze. The kind of tweet that ignites the top favs." -- Jesse Lacey's first tweet, if he ever joins twitter.

I don't know who Bon Iver is. I assume he's Bon Jovi's nemesis. If that's true, I like his work; the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Read this word: F*ck. Did you just say "Fuck"? Exactly. So why bother with the asterisk? Instead, you might try using another word, dummy.

I seriously just googled, "What animals are kinda gay?"

DC Comics should let me write this gay character. I know how you do it; Step 1: Begin as if sexuality is irrelevant. Step 2: Continue.

Ann Coulter wakes up, held down w/ plastic-wrap. "I won't be 'kind and gentle' to you, retard," Dexter says, slicing her cheek w/ a scalpel.

Someone posted on Facebook that they were "in the dessert." So, I asked them if they planned on being there until Sundae.

Daaamn, gurl! Is that a mirror in your profile? 'Cause I can see myself in your timeline. Please RT.

I sleep. I eat. I fart. I poop. I masturbate. I sob uncontrollably. MT @silent_musings: I walk. I run. I breathe. I fight. I love. I live.

Jokes about Asian people are Lo, Mein.

If I were a brilliant inventor, I'd make my fortune building sex-bots, but I don't know if the world is ready for C3PHO and/or R2DTF.

I just saw a really muscular guy with back acne, and I laughed a bit too loudly and said, "'ROIDS!". Anyway, I'm dead now.

Porn must be, like, CRAZY good for bisexuals.

I was offline for most of this Kony 2012 business, but since it's been about 48hrs, I assume caring about Uganda isn't cool anymore.

Internet, Nicki Minaj's Grammy performance wasn't "controversial". That implies debate. Everyone is in agreement that it sucked.

Not only would I gaze into an abyss, I’d flick a cigarette butt at it.

I was going to have a Facebook debate, but then I masturbated with rocks instead.

You know when you read a fantastic tweet and you'd really like to retweet it, but you can't because it's your tweet and you're me?

It's not so easy when you have to find a SPECIFIC black guy, is it, LAPD?

Vegan Superman cradles a hamburger in his arms, crying. He flies into space and turns the Earth back. Now that hamburger is a happy cow.