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"I hope this tweet starts a craze. The kind of tweet that ignites the top favs." -- Jesse Lacey's first tweet, if he ever joins twitter.
I don't know who Bon Iver is. I assume he's Bon Jovi's nemesis. If that's true, I like his work; the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Read this word: F*ck. Did you just say "Fuck"? Exactly. So why bother with the asterisk? Instead, you might try using another word, dummy.
I seriously just googled, "What animals are kinda gay?"
DC Comics should let me write this gay character. I know how you do it; Step 1: Begin as if sexuality is irrelevant. Step 2: Continue.
Ann Coulter wakes up, held down w/ plastic-wrap. "I won't be 'kind and gentle' to you, retard," Dexter says, slicing her cheek w/ a scalpel.
Someone posted on Facebook that they were "in the dessert." So, I asked them if they planned on being there until Sundae.
Daaamn, gurl! Is that a mirror in your profile? 'Cause I can see myself in your timeline. Please RT.
Jokes about Asian people are Lo, Mein.
If I were a brilliant inventor, I'd make my fortune building sex-bots, but I don't know if the world is ready for C3PHO and/or R2DTF.
I just saw a really muscular guy with back acne, and I laughed a bit too loudly and said, "'ROIDS!". Anyway, I'm dead now.
Porn must be, like, CRAZY good for bisexuals.
I was offline for most of this Kony 2012 business, but since it's been about 48hrs, I assume caring about Uganda isn't cool anymore.
Internet, Nicki Minaj's Grammy performance wasn't "controversial". That implies debate. Everyone is in agreement that it sucked.
Not only would I gaze into an abyss, I’d flick a cigarette butt at it.
I was going to have a Facebook debate, but then I masturbated with rocks instead.
You know when you read a fantastic tweet and you'd really like to retweet it, but you can't because it's your tweet and you're me?
It's not so easy when you have to find a SPECIFIC black guy, is it, LAPD?
Vegan Superman cradles a hamburger in his arms, crying. He flies into space and turns the Earth back. Now that hamburger is a happy cow.
[removes helmet] My name is K.L.T, commander of the armies of Twitter, General of the Bearded Legions. And I will have my vengeance, in this tweet or the next.