Just because I text you when I'm drunk does not mean I like you when I'm sober.

If I had to pick between vodka or sex, I'd choose both because I have boobs.

Knocking up a one night stand is like wrecking a car on the test drive.

They should have 24hr Maury special in honor of Father's Day.

I wish it were completely acceptable to high-five someone's face.

I leave the seat up in the ladies room so the next girl gets scared.

The best part about being a hot female on Twitter? You can talk as dirty and slutty as you want, everyone thinks you're a man anyway.

Vodka is my real life CTRL-ALT-DEL.

Every, time, someone, overuses, commas, I just, say it, in my, William Shatner, voice.

I just drank a Lindsay Lohan. A red headed slut with a splash of coke.

While in law school I thought to myself, "Do I really want to cover up a rack like this?"... And that's how I never became a lawyer.

My vagina just wrote a poem.

She's deep like that.

"Girls night out" is the best way to say "No one wants to date me."

It's a man's world.




Unless you have amazing tits.

There's nothing like hate sex with yourself.

My mouth tastes like cheap beer and expensive decisions.

It's probably not appropriate to interrupt my 3yo when he says "Grandma says...", with "Grandma's a crazy bitch".

My favorite sex position is the one where he's not there when I wake up.

There's a difference between being an alcoholic and just being fuckin' awesome.


I happen to be both.

My idea of a golden shower is being showered with necklaces, rings and earrings. Right before he pees on me.