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The first time I was ever strip searched was strange because it was in line at Wendy's and performed by a homeless man.
If the sex toy industry is trying to create the most life like dildo, the battery should die after 90 seconds then sleep for 8 hours.
A friendly reminder: It doesn't matter if you have 1 follow or 5,000, 1 star or 500, if you made one person smile, you're doing it right
You're meaning to tell me that out of 365, we can't find ONE of those available to celebrate Punch Someone in the Mouth Day?
When I was younger I used to crush cans on my head, but that just became sodapressing....
Marriage: Because there is nothing like gambling away half of your shit for the dilusion of loving one another for the rest of eternity.
I hope to one day meet the person who invented black licorice so I can shit in their mouth.
I was all like, "That's nuts".
And that's how I passed my sex ed class.
Tequila is always a great idea until you wake up next to some beast with a clown's pocket for a vagina and you're lying in your own piss.
Before 16 and Pregnant there should be 15 and Slutty. Prior to that: 14 and Daddy Issues. All starting with Toddlers in Tiaras.
Girls: "I am masturbating."
56 Stars, 23 RT's, 4 Trophies, 72 Mentions
Guys: "I am masturbating."
28 Unfollows
Saw a sign that said, "Caution: Deaf Children". Which is silly because I'm an adult and not afraid of children, especially handicapped ones.
Things that will break my stride:
-Nothing
Who will slow me down:
-Nobody
Why?
-Because I've got to keep on moving.
If you really want to freak a girl out after sex, rub her stomach and say, "I can't wait to meet what we just created".
My favorite part of an oil change? When they show you the air filter and look at you like you're a disgusting pig.
Homosexuality will last forever, abortions will continue to happen, people will always smoke weed. You know what's going away? OLD PEOPLE.
Former awful tweeter, current terrible tweeter.
