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A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is "I keep poop in there" but don't forget to wink or it won't work
I keep getting older, but the Spidermen stay the same age
What's that rap song where it's like I only wanna fuck hoes but why these hoes so slutty but why can't I have something real with these hoes
Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY
I'd kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
I want a bed in the sheets and also a bed in the streets I am very tired
Fashion tip: EVERYONE DIES
At this point Liam Neeson should just get a decoy family
Hey gruff-looking dads in plaid shirts who are incredibly gentle with your toddlers: Sup
I like it when you can tell which couple in a restaurant was fighting in the car right before they came in
Ariana Grande you can't hate America we let you wear cat ears for no goddamn reason
One time I was so sarcastic I became a record store employee in the nineties
"Actually I do have a girlfriend she just goes to another school." ~Ben Carson
Bernie Sanders always looks like he just remembered he's running for president
Sometimes I think I want a baby when I'm like I just want a fulfilling little bundle of joy but then I'm like no I'm thinking of a sandwich
Just found out real women have curves, now I get why I'm sitting here all alone with isosceles triangle tits - I don't exist
It's easy to be mysterious as a woman for example no one knows what a cervix is
Sorry I got drunk and said some truthful stuff I mean completely
Comedian, writer (Danger & Eggs - Amazon), eater, defecator. https://t.co/zBdsSBYvbq. IG: @writingfyeah. My show: https://t.co/xyyfLqQVYo.
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