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which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills
I'd kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I want a bed in the sheets and also a bed in the streets I am very tired
Fashion tip: EVERYONE DIES
A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is "I keep poop in there" but don't forget to wink or it won't work
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
I like it when you can tell which couple in a restaurant was fighting in the car right before they came in
Hey gruff-looking dads in plaid shirts who are incredibly gentle with your toddlers: Sup
Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY
One time I took myself so seriously I became a DJ.
One time I was so sarcastic I became a record store employee in the nineties
wild horses could drag me away from pretty much anyone or anything horses are very strong
You can lead a horse to slaughter, I'm sorry I meant WATER, shhh shhh don't be scared Apples, the slaughter is fine I MEAN WATER JUST GET IN
Tip: Never look a bear in the eye, b/c you fall in love when you least expect it and BAM NOW YOU AND THE BEAR ARE STUCK WITH A CAVE MORTGAGE
SORRY I SLEPT WITH UR FIANCE BUT 2 B FAIR I'VE BEEN USING A NEW LASH-BLAST MASCARA AND IT'S XTRA FLIRTY SO I FEEL LIKE NOT MUCH I CAN DO LOL
untangling your iPhone headphones #rejectedolympicevents
Republicans are right, I don't need to get paid the same amount of money as a man, I'd just waste it on purses for my vagina
DICKS ARE GLUTEN-FREE WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT A BUNCH OF THOSE
ATTENTION EVERYONE I AM SHY
Comedian, writer, eater, defecator. http://www.sofiyaalexandra.com. Podcast: http://bit.ly/14clidv.