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which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills
I'd kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Fashion tip: EVERYONE DIES
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY
A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is "I keep poop in there" but don't forget to wink or it won't work
Hey gruff-looking dads in plaid shirts who are incredibly gentle with your toddlers: Sup
One time I was so sarcastic I became a record store employee in the nineties
I like it when you can tell which couple in a restaurant was fighting in the car right before they came in
You can lead a horse to slaughter, I'm sorry I meant WATER, shhh shhh don't be scared Apples, the slaughter is fine I MEAN WATER JUST GET IN
One time I took myself so seriously I became a DJ.
SORRY I SLEPT WITH UR FIANCE BUT 2 B FAIR I'VE BEEN USING A NEW LASH-BLAST MASCARA AND IT'S XTRA FLIRTY SO I FEEL LIKE NOT MUCH I CAN DO LOL
Tip: Never look a bear in the eye, b/c you fall in love when you least expect it and BAM NOW YOU AND THE BEAR ARE STUCK WITH A CAVE MORTGAGE
untangling your iPhone headphones #rejectedolympicevents
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
wild horses could drag me away from pretty much anyone or anything horses are very strong
DICKS ARE GLUTEN-FREE WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT A BUNCH OF THOSE
can only cum when women are filibustering
The thing is some mountains ARE high enough to keep me from gettin to you. I'm not climbing Everest for like kissing or whatever, I got work
HI CAROL I WOULD LIKE TO CARPOOL WITH U THEN WE COULD CALL IT CAROLPOOLING LOL THIS IS JUST A FREE SAMPLE OF WHAT OUR MORNINGS COULD BE LIKE
Comedian, writer, eater, defecator. http://www.sofiyaalexandra.com. Podcast: http://bit.ly/14clidv.