which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills

I'd kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Fashion tip: EVERYONE DIES

Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.

Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY

Hey gruff-looking dads in plaid shirts who are incredibly gentle with your toddlers: Sup

untangling your iPhone headphones #rejectedolympicevents

SORRY I SLEPT WITH UR FIANCE BUT 2 B FAIR I'VE BEEN USING A NEW LASH-BLAST MASCARA AND IT'S XTRA FLIRTY SO I FEEL LIKE NOT MUCH I CAN DO LOL

One time I took myself so seriously I became a DJ.

You can lead a horse to slaughter, I'm sorry I meant WATER, shhh shhh don't be scared Apples, the slaughter is fine I MEAN WATER JUST GET IN

wild horses could drag me away from pretty much anyone or anything horses are very strong

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

The thing is some mountains ARE high enough to keep me from gettin to you. I'm not climbing Everest for like kissing or whatever, I got work

Tip: Never look a bear in the eye, b/c you fall in love when you least expect it and BAM NOW YOU AND THE BEAR ARE STUCK WITH A CAVE MORTGAGE

I have no idea why you're single either, girl who mentioned that "men suck" three times in the last five minutes

COOL IT WITH THE ZANY COMMERCIALS AUTO INSURANCE COMPANIES JUST BE YOUR APATHETIC MONEY-GRUBBING SELVES WE STILL HAVE TO USE YOU BY LAW

HOW COME GUATEMALA IS A COUNTRY AND GUACAMOLE ISN'T EVEN A CITY

THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP I TOOK A TIRED JOKE PREMISE AND DID NOTHING NEW TO IT

HI CAROL I WOULD LIKE TO CARPOOL WITH U THEN WE COULD CALL IT CAROLPOOLING LOL THIS IS JUST A FREE SAMPLE OF WHAT OUR MORNINGS COULD BE LIKE

Is stroking a stranger's hair still the best way to let them know you think this is a very tasteful funeral?