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which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills
I'd kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
untangling your iPhone headphones #rejectedolympicevents
Fashion tip: EVERYONE DIES
Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is "I keep poop in there" but don't forget to wink or it won't work
One time I was so sarcastic I became a record store employee in the nineties
One time I took myself so seriously I became a DJ.
I like it when you can tell which couple in a restaurant was fighting in the car right before they came in
Hey gruff-looking dads in plaid shirts who are incredibly gentle with your toddlers: Sup
Tip: Never look a bear in the eye, b/c you fall in love when you least expect it and BAM NOW YOU AND THE BEAR ARE STUCK WITH A CAVE MORTGAGE
SORRY I SLEPT WITH UR FIANCE BUT 2 B FAIR I'VE BEEN USING A NEW LASH-BLAST MASCARA AND IT'S XTRA FLIRTY SO I FEEL LIKE NOT MUCH I CAN DO LOL
The thing is some mountains ARE high enough to keep me from gettin to you. I'm not climbing Everest for like kissing or whatever, I got work
"WHAT IF THERE WERE 2 BEYONCES AND THEY WANTED TO MARRY, WOULD YOU STAND IN THEIR WAY DIDN'T THINK SO THANK YOU YOUR HONORS CASE CLOSED"
don't judge a book by its slutty sister
You can lead a horse to slaughter, I'm sorry I meant WATER, shhh shhh don't be scared Apples, the slaughter is fine I MEAN WATER JUST GET IN
your grandpa gets erections have a great Tuesday
wild horses could drag me away from pretty much anyone or anything horses are very strong
Awww Destiny's Child has to go back to the unwanted toy chest until Bey decides she wants to play again
Comedian, writer, eater, defecator. http://t.co/MAuY1IVW2A. Podcast: http://t.co/kiVw8vf4fO.