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which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills
I'd kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
untangling your iPhone headphones #rejectedolympicevents
Fashion tip: EVERYONE DIES
Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
Hey gruff-looking dads in plaid shirts who are incredibly gentle with your toddlers: Sup
One time I took myself so seriously I became a DJ.
"WHAT IF THERE WERE 2 BEYONCES AND THEY WANTED TO MARRY, WOULD YOU STAND IN THEIR WAY DIDN'T THINK SO THANK YOU YOUR HONORS CASE CLOSED"
SORRY I SLEPT WITH UR FIANCE BUT 2 B FAIR I'VE BEEN USING A NEW LASH-BLAST MASCARA AND IT'S XTRA FLIRTY SO I FEEL LIKE NOT MUCH I CAN DO LOL
The thing is some mountains ARE high enough to keep me from gettin to you. I'm not climbing Everest for like kissing or whatever, I got work
Awww Destiny's Child has to go back to the unwanted toy chest until Bey decides she wants to play again
wild horses could drag me away from pretty much anyone or anything horses are very strong
THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP I TOOK A TIRED JOKE PREMISE AND DID NOTHING NEW TO IT
Tip: Never look a bear in the eye, b/c you fall in love when you least expect it and BAM NOW YOU AND THE BEAR ARE STUCK WITH A CAVE MORTGAGE
You can lead a horse to slaughter, I'm sorry I meant WATER, shhh shhh don't be scared Apples, the slaughter is fine I MEAN WATER JUST GET IN
I have no idea why you're single either, girl who mentioned that "men suck" three times in the last five minutes
The 2nd amendment is about militias. But no, you're right, let's just keep misinterpreting it, what could go wrong?
I would totally go to the gym if the gym was where you learned all the Beyonce dances and then we all had meatball subs
Rape legitimacy idea: Throw the woman in the river, if she floats NOT LEGITIMATE RAPE, if she sinks, ONE LESS WOMAN!!
Comedian, writer, eater, defecator. http://www.sofiyaalexandra.com