Wearing sweatpants out in public is announcing to the world that either: 1) you can’t get an erection or 2) you don’t care if you do.

Sure Nickleback is the best selling band in the world, but its only because their fans are too stupid to pirate music.

A lot more people should be uncomfortable with their bodies.

Instead of counting sheep to help me sleep I count my Twitter followers. Then I cry for a little while before I drink Nyquil and jerk off.

I may not be the funniest person on twitter but for a tree I'm pretty... annoying I guess. Nevermind.

Do you know how many babies it takes just to make one bottle of baby oil?!

If I had giant tree tits in my avi I'd have about 10k followers.

I have at least 5 non-cooking uses for Crisco.

If you go out, buy one of those miniature pigs and you don't seize the opportunity to name it Piggie Smalls then you are a monster!

I drink Busch beer so people will know right away that my dads a racist.

Im getting some tats to express myself as an individual. Think I'll call up the that tattoo artist all my friends go to.

Turns out there is exactly ZERO milk involved in prostate milking. #WastedOreos

Wet nurse doesn't mean what I thought it did.

How long until Justin Bieber pulls a Timberlake and I can like him without being gay?

Being on a gluten free diet when you don't have a gluten allergy is like using a wheelchair when you're not paralyzed. Stop it asshole.

I don't claim to know God's will, but I do know he hates Christian rock bands and sends them to Hell.

I told someone what I do on Twitter... so I wont be doing that ever again.

Hey guys a good way to make your dad proud is to get calf implants.

They really weren't trying very hard when they came up with the word "butt plug".

McDonalds monopoly is so popular because it combines poor people's passion for type two diabetes and the thrill of scratch off lottery.