I think if I was 25% dumber I'd be 75% happier.

You know who's awesome? You.



Now let's kick this day in the fucking teeth.

What's douchier than wearing your sunglasses on the back of your head? Nothing. Nothing is douchier. Douche.

Fuck you, Words With Friends. Vag is so a word.

You know what? I'm GLAD they paved paradise and put up a parking lot. Do you know how hard it is to find parking? Fuck off, hippie.

Fuck, you guys. I think Twitter has replaced reading in my life. Also: talking to people; watching tv; and basic human contact.

I've decided I'm going to be happy. Got it, motherfuckers?

I was sad b/c I wanted cookies, but was too tired to bake & then realized I froze cookie dough for just this moment. I love you, Past Me.

Friday night, motherfuckers! Let's do this!

(Putting on my sweatpants and eating a mini- muffin.)

If you use Captcha on your site, and I ever meet you in person, I will fucking cut you.

I love this family. Seriously. The Obamas are America.

Didn't get to do yoga this morning before work, so I'm doing Downward Facing Nap on my desk.

The husband does laundry & he finds $40. I do laundry & I find a fucking quarter. Sexist laundry.

Ladies, ALWAYS leave a buffer toilet between us. Otherwise I think you're a creeper who just wants to smell my pee.

I've decided to be a life coach. Any of you bitches need a pep talk, just let me know.

I should probably stop muttering, "Fuck everybody" under my breath as I walk around.

Just got a Groupon for a child's spa package. This is why people (justifiably) hate America.

THIS! “@kalisah: Legitimate news orgs do not interview crying children at a disaster scene. Just STOP IT. All of you. @todayshow @nbcnews”

Next time my boss asks me what I'm doing, I'm going to say, "Kegels," and then make my eyes squinty and watery.

I love shoulder demons. They go with every outfit.