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I think if I was 25% dumber I'd be 75% happier.
What's douchier than wearing your sunglasses on the back of your head? Nothing. Nothing is douchier. Douche.
You know who's awesome? You.
Now let's kick this day in the fucking teeth.
I was sad b/c I wanted cookies, but was too tired to bake & then realized I froze cookie dough for just this moment. I love you, Past Me.
Fuck you, Words With Friends. Vag is so a word.
You know what? I'm GLAD they paved paradise and put up a parking lot. Do you know how hard it is to find parking? Fuck off, hippie.
I've decided I'm going to be happy. Got it, motherfuckers?
Fuck, you guys. I think Twitter has replaced reading in my life. Also: talking to people; watching tv; and basic human contact.
Friday night, motherfuckers! Let's do this!
(Putting on my sweatpants and eating a mini- muffin.)
If you use Captcha on your site, and I ever meet you in person, I will fucking cut you.
I love this family. Seriously. The Obamas are America.
Ladies, ALWAYS leave a buffer toilet between us. Otherwise I think you're a creeper who just wants to smell my pee.
It's a pretty fine line between feeling like you're an integral part of the process and just saying, "Fuck it, time for Cheetos."
Didn't get to do yoga this morning before work, so I'm doing Downward Facing Nap on my desk.
I should probably stop muttering, "Fuck everybody" under my breath as I walk around.
The husband does laundry & he finds $40. I do laundry & I find a fucking quarter. Sexist laundry.
I've decided to be a life coach. Any of you bitches need a pep talk, just let me know.
Just got a Groupon for a child's spa package. This is why people (justifiably) hate America.
Next time my boss asks me what I'm doing, I'm going to say, "Kegels," and then make my eyes squinty and watery.
Liberal. Impatient. And profane. No. Seriously. Really, really foul-mouthed.