Ladies, if you put your hands down my pants you'll like what you find. Because that's where I tuck away cute pictures of cats.

i'm pretty average in bed. finding my phone in under 10 seconds is my favorite game and i always eat a good amount of spiders

being good at twitter is like coloring in between the lines while everyone else eats their crayons

girl, i can tell by the burger king crown that you're too high maintenance for me

i would make a really good father one day. i raise all of my pokemon to level 100

you actually run faster with your hands in your pockets

SAW 13: you walk thru the mall and talk to everyone at the kiosks then you die

I can tell within 19 seconds of meeting you if our sex is going to be consensual or not..

girl are you a rugby game bc we don't play that shit in America

PokéBall *drank*
Great Ball *drank*
Ultra Ball *drank*
Master Ball *drank*
caught a Pikachu *drank*

i bet a white person invented 8 am

marriage is already pretty gay

cats but in boyfriend costumes

I have Jennifer Lawrence winning my NCAA bracket because it's really been her year

I take my glasses off & pull my shirt over my head when I poop because I don't like making eye contact with anyone at the park

Morgan Freeman wakes up and decides he wants to sleep more. Looks out window and says, 'not yet.' Sun apologizes then sneaks behind a cloud.

i don't know sign language but i'm pretty sure this lady just told me to get out of her shower

ugh sent so many drunk faxes last night

look i'm not saying drugs are good but i'm not saying drugs are bad. what i am saying is that if you take them away i will be sad, officer

after the first day i have no idea which contact goes in which eye so i leave them on the counter and let them duke it out