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If you were stranded on an island and could only bring one Dave Matthews album, how would you kill yourself?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Tried explaining Twitter to my dad, but his "why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.
Homeless people aren’t nearly as depressing if you just think of them as really ambitious campers.
Today's a good day to leave a note on a random car that says, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID."
I envy the guy at Microsoft whose job it is to ignore all the Windows error reports we send in.
My rapper name would probably be "Pay¢heck 2 Pay¢heck."
Speaking to another human being is my least favorite feature of my phone.
If you survived a shark attack, nice job, asshole. You just missed out on the coolest way to die.
Twitter needs fewer girls tweeting about sex and more girls tweeting about dinosaurs and space.
Hope nobody has a video of me trying to get the fourth corner of a fitted sheet over the mattress.
There needs to be a Meat Likers Pizza for those of us afraid of commitment.
I hope I never have to watch Renee Zellweger and French Stewart share a box of Sour Patch Kids.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
When all your friends start having kids, that's a huge red flag that you need new friends.
I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.
I consistently overestimate the amount of food that can comfortably fit in a tortilla.
Why do Asians drive on the road when they could just ride their dragons everywhere?
"Haha, you thought I was a quarter." -nickels
Bubble wrap is like catnip for people.
Handsome. Unemployed. Handsome. Prone to delusions of grandeur.