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One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming...
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC chicken..
When you see only one set of footprints, know that I unfollowed you. - Jesus Christ...
So Khloe & the other one are famous cuz their sister is famous for having sex with a guy who is famous cuz his sister is a shitty singer?...
Morgan Freeman & James Earl Jones tickling each other must be what "absolutely awesome" sounds like...
What I love most about burger is, as you eat it, it creates a pie chart of how much is left...
I'm officially at that age where I'm too old to be emo & too young to yell at pigeons...
When I meet a woman, I imagine her in her date bra. Then her fat pants. Then her crying shirt. Then her murder wig & her courtroom brooch...
A guy just bummed a cigarette from my pal & said "Thanks, u're a life saver!" I'm no genius but someone in that equation's doing it wrong...
I'm very sure there would be 60% fewer pop songs if "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire"...
On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said 'when are you due?' This is why we are here...
Is it racist that I've been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she's actually 5 white chicks?...
No one has ever beaten the crap out of someone else & then driven off in a Prius...
My mind: "Today was a productive day." My body: "Please don't drink 11 cups of coffee again."...
Honestly, if you were born in the 90s I can't take you seriously as a human being...
Soo, celebrities can get married for publicity, but gays can't get married for love. They insist the issue is "sanctity" of marriage, yes?..
CASHIER: 300.
ME: Ha, like the movie.
CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.
ME: Ha, like the comedian.
CASHIER: ...
ME: Ha, like a mime...
My mind is in the gutter, clutching a copy of the Urban Dictionary. Also, Pringles.
