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THE NEW 10 COMMANDMENTS
3 Say please.
8 Don't hate.
9 Cut the bullshit.
Good morning, California! That was Me.
Being gay is far less of a choice than being an asshole.
Sorry, rest of the world, Junior and I can't help you now. We're too busy helping some loon cross a canyon on a piece of floss.
1. It is not My desire that you behead humanitarian workers.
2. I can't fucking believe I need to say that.
I have lost control of the situation.
THE FIVE STAGES OF GLOBAL WARMING
The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?
The Duck Dynasty guy who likened homosexuality to bestiality makes a living helping people trick ducks into thinking they want to fuck them.
Fuck it, I'm resigning too.
"Doctor Who Survived Ebola: 'God Saved My Life'." Yep. And I killed the hundreds of Africans who died of it, because screw them.
YES! YOU'RE WELCOME MATTHEW!
Note to Self: Next time, no Middle East.
America is now closed. We apologize for the inconvenience.
My favorite word is "Amen" because when I hear it it means you're done asking Me for stupid shit.
I'm your dope-ass divinity, trollin' with My trinity, droppin' top tweets in your immediate vicinity, flingin' fly phrases from the fringes of infinity.