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THE NEW 10 COMMANDMENTS
3 Say please.
8 Don't hate.
9 Cut the bullshit.
Good morning, California! That was Me.
Being gay is far less of a choice than being an asshole.
MY SON! MY SON IS PRESENTING FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS!!!
Sorry, rest of the world, Junior and I can't help you now. We're too busy helping some loon cross a canyon on a piece of floss.
The color of a dress? Really? That's what you're asking Me? THE OCEAN LEVELS ROSE FOUR INCHES IN TWO YEARS. You know that, right?
1. It is not My desire that you behead humanitarian workers.
2. I can't fucking believe I need to say that.
I have lost control of the situation.
Being gay isn’t a choice, but living in Indiana is.
THE FIVE STAGES OF GLOBAL WARMING
America: where minorities, for good reason, fear their kids getting shot, and white people, for no reason, fear their kids getting shots.
Only one religion is right but I won't say which one because I want you to figure it out by hating and killing each other while I watch.
The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?
It’s times like this I really wish I existed.
1. I am concerned about my religion’s negative reputation in the eyes of the world.
2. I will kill people in its name.
The Duck Dynasty guy who likened homosexuality to bestiality makes a living helping people trick ducks into thinking they want to fuck them.
I'm your dope-ass divinity, trollin' with My trinity, droppin' top tweets in your immediate vicinity, flingin' fly phrases from the fringes of infinity.
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