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Good morning, California! That was Me.
THE NEW 10 COMMANDMENTS
3 Say please.
8 Don't hate.
9 Cut the bullshit.
Being gay is far less of a choice than being an asshole.
Sorry, rest of the world, Junior and I can't help you now. We're too busy helping some loon cross a canyon on a piece of floss.
The Duck Dynasty guy who likened homosexuality to bestiality makes a living helping people trick ducks into thinking they want to fuck them.
Fuck it, I'm resigning too.
YES! YOU'RE WELCOME MATTHEW!
America is now closed. We apologize for the inconvenience.
My favorite word is "Amen" because when I hear it it means you're done asking Me for stupid shit.
THE NEW 10 PLAGUES
2. Bad wi-fi
I genuinely don't remember making you all this stupid.
Swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth ON A BIBLE is one of the great ironies of life.
How dare all these people win awards for Gravity?!? I CREATED GRAVITY!
The reason I didn't mention dinosaurs in the Bible is shut up.
Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.
Even I think Zimmerman was guilty, and I'm an old white guy.
There's no need to call My name during sex. I'm already watching.
The Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Any atheist who retweets this is going to hell for eternity.
Sorry Auburn. Your miracle quota was filled.
I'm your dope-ass divinity, trollin' with My trinity, droppin' top tweets in your immediate vicinity, flingin' fly phrases from the fringes of infinity.