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THE NEW 10 COMMANDMENTS
3 Say please.
8 Don't hate.
9 Cut the bullshit.
Good morning, California! That was Me.
Being gay is far less of a choice than being an asshole.
Sorry, rest of the world, Junior and I can't help you now. We're too busy helping some loon cross a canyon on a piece of floss.
I have lost control of the situation.
THE FIVE STAGES OF GLOBAL WARMING
The Duck Dynasty guy who likened homosexuality to bestiality makes a living helping people trick ducks into thinking they want to fuck them.
The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?
Fuck it, I'm resigning too.
YES! YOU'RE WELCOME MATTHEW!
America is now closed. We apologize for the inconvenience.
My favorite word is "Amen" because when I hear it it means you're done asking Me for stupid shit.
Note to Self: Next time, no Middle East.
This is Spain's worst defeat since 1588.
If this gets 10,000 retweets I'll make masturbation not a sin anymore.
I'm your dope-ass divinity, trollin' with My trinity, droppin' top tweets in your immediate vicinity, flingin' fly phrases from the fringes of infinity.