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THE NEW 10 COMMANDMENTS
3 Say please.
8 Don't hate.
9 Cut the bullshit.
Sorry, rest of the world, Junior and I can't help you now. We're too busy helping some loon cross a canyon on a piece of floss.
Being gay is far less of a choice than being an asshole.
Fuck it, I'm resigning too.
I have lost control of the situation.
Good morning, California! That was Me.
1. It is not My desire that you behead humanitarian workers.
2. I can't fucking believe I need to say that.
THE FIVE STAGES OF GLOBAL WARMING
The color of a dress? Really? That's what you're asking Me? THE OCEAN LEVELS ROSE FOUR INCHES IN TWO YEARS. You know that, right?
America is now closed. We apologize for the inconvenience.
The Duck Dynasty guy who likened homosexuality to bestiality makes a living helping people trick ducks into thinking they want to fuck them.
MY SON! MY SON IS PRESENTING FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS!!!
If this gets 10,000 retweets I'll make masturbation not a sin anymore.
THE NEW 10 PLAGUES
2. Bad wi-fi
1. I am concerned about my religion’s negative reputation in the eyes of the world.
2. I will kill people in its name.
My favorite word is "Amen" because when I hear it it means you're done asking Me for stupid shit.
America: where minorities, for good reason, fear their kids getting shot, and white people, for no reason, fear their kids getting shots.
I'm your dope-ass divinity, trollin' with My trinity, droppin' top tweets in your immediate vicinity, flingin' fly phrases from the fringes of infinity.
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