Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Sorry, rest of the world, Junior and I can't help you now. We're too busy helping some loon cross a canyon on a piece of floss.
Being gay is far less of a choice than being an asshole.
Fuck it, I'm resigning too.
America is now closed. We apologize for the inconvenience.
The Duck Dynasty guy who likened homosexuality to bestiality makes a living helping people trick ducks into thinking they want to fuck them.
My favorite word is "Amen" because when I hear it it means you're done asking Me for stupid shit.
Any atheist who retweets this is going to hell for eternity.
The reason I didn't mention dinosaurs in the Bible is shut up.
St. Patrick is already totally shit-faced.
YES! YOU'RE WELCOME MATTHEW!
Even I think Zimmerman was guilty, and I'm an old white guy.
Next time you're tempted to masturbate, remember that I'm watching you, and also masturbating.
I genuinely don't remember making you all this stupid.
Sorry Auburn. Your miracle quota was filled.
I send natural disasters to punish mankind for being stupid enough to believe in a God who would send natural disasters to punish it.
I deeply regret some of you.
How dare all these people win awards for Gravity?!? I CREATED GRAVITY!
You're welcome, Britain.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I'm your dope-ass divinity, trollin' with My trinity, tossin' top tweets in your immediate vicinity, flingin' fly phrases from the fringes of infinity.