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THE NEW 10 COMMANDMENTS
3 Say please.
8 Don't hate.
9 Cut the bullshit.
Sorry, rest of the world, Junior and I can't help you now. We're too busy helping some loon cross a canyon on a piece of floss.
Being gay is far less of a choice than being an asshole.
Fuck it, I'm resigning too.
I have lost control of the situation.
Good morning, California! That was Me.
1. It is not My desire that you behead humanitarian workers.
2. I can't fucking believe I need to say that.
THE FIVE STAGES OF GLOBAL WARMING
America is now closed. We apologize for the inconvenience.
The Duck Dynasty guy who likened homosexuality to bestiality makes a living helping people trick ducks into thinking they want to fuck them.
If this gets 10,000 retweets I'll make masturbation not a sin anymore.
THE NEW 10 PLAGUES
2. Bad wi-fi
My favorite word is "Amen" because when I hear it it means you're done asking Me for stupid shit.
The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?
Only one religion is right but I won't say which one because I want you to figure it out by hating and killing each other while I watch.
Any atheist who retweets this is going to hell for eternity.
I'm your dope-ass divinity, trollin' with My trinity, droppin' top tweets in your immediate vicinity, flingin' fly phrases from the fringes of infinity.