I chop onions to feel.

I would never physically hurt my children. I'm too passive aggressive. I'll buy them a trampoline.

Tweet others the way you want to be tweeted.

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

"WHERE THE FUCK DID MY MOM GO?" - A baby playing a game of peek-a-boo

At the end of the day, all of our tweets scream the same thing: "Love me!"

We live in a sick world where children are homeless and starving and I'm out of iPads for placemats

Nothing is more humiliating than pulling a push door in public.

When I die, it's going to be on a highway, composing a legendary text message.

I have no idea what subtweeting is. But its making me hungry.

I'm less concerned about driving on an empty tank of gas than I am walking around with a dying phone battery.

There's a pretty decent chance I secretly want to have sex with you.

Remember: history has a tendency of retweeting itself.

I know nothing about any of you and I think you're all amazing.

Hey Broken Elevators,

It's not polite to stair.

What if this WHOLE time Santa is actually lactose intolerant? We must come off as fucking assholes

I am SO GOOD at these 1 star tweets!

Life is, by definition, an STD.

Guys, sorry if I don't tweet much for the next few hours. There isn't great service in this mental hospital.

Who is Dick Pics? Decent guy?