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I chop onions to feel.
I would never physically hurt my children. I'm too passive aggressive. I'll buy them a trampoline.
Tweet others the way you want to be tweeted.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
"WHERE THE FUCK DID MY MOM GO?" - A baby playing a game of peek-a-boo
At the end of the day, all of our tweets scream the same thing: "Love me!"
We live in a sick world where children are homeless and starving and I'm out of iPads for placemats
Nothing is more humiliating than pulling a push door in public.
When I die, it's going to be on a highway, composing a legendary text message.
I have no idea what subtweeting is. But its making me hungry.
I'm less concerned about driving on an empty tank of gas than I am walking around with a dying phone battery.
There's a pretty decent chance I secretly want to have sex with you.
Remember: history has a tendency of retweeting itself.
I know nothing about any of you and I think you're all amazing.
Hey Broken Elevators,
It's not polite to stair.
What if this WHOLE time Santa is actually lactose intolerant? We must come off as fucking assholes
I am SO GOOD at these 1 star tweets!
Life is, by definition, an STD.
Guys, sorry if I don't tweet much for the next few hours. There isn't great service in this mental hospital.
Who is Dick Pics? Decent guy?
This paragraph was produced by Michael Bay. Retired Senator/Comedian/Carrot