Last night I had a dream that I had sex with the girl from Hanson.

My favorite thing about twitter is that nobody knows that I don't have any real-life friends.

When I'm with my daughter and a stranger says "she looks like her daddy" I reply with "Oh, he's in prison I'm just the fill-in."

If your daddy didn't love you enough when you were a kid what makes you think I can now?

If I were getting intentionally walked in baseball i would have to swing at a couple just to fuck with them.

After 18 hours I'm finally five star funny. Now I can go to bed. Maybe tomorrow. 6

Alot of my family members are like old celebrities, I don't know who they are until they die.

If women marry men like their fathers why is she so surprised I'm too drunk to pick her up from work?

I love it when an episode of cash cab comes on at work that I've already seen. I Impress people by knowing all of the answers.

Peyton Manning said his surgery was "minimally invasive". Weird, that's how my wife describes our sex.

I can reply to my own tweets. Endless conversations about nothing are in my future.

I am willing to beg for stars if I have to.

I'm glad my name doesn't have a z in it, I do not know how to make one of those in cursive.

Forget the Deepwater Horizon, Lady Gaga is the biggest man-made disaster in the last 10 years.

Well my weekend is over. Back to work and off of twitter for now but I'm currently in the process of looking for a reason to get fired.

I'm glad that douche bag kid won American Idol so I don't ever have to hear his stupid fucking voice on the radio.

"No is a negative word" - A rapist.

Dear MapQuest, Please add an "avoid ghetto" option.
Sincerely, Scared.

When my daughter wakes me up too early in the morning I don't feed her breakfast just to teach her a lesson.

I write down funny things that I think but I dont write down the whole thing so I have random words on paper, I have no Idea what they mean