Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I know women like to be mysterious, but turn signals are for safety.
Its called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?
I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.
I feel pretty confident that whoever steals my idenity will inevitably improve my credit score.
If I accidentally say anything that is offensive or in anyway inappropriate, Please be sure to star & retweet that shit!
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
When pigs do fly I bet their wings will be even more delicious than a buffalos.
I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.
I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.
A Vibrator doesn't buy you flowers, compliment you on how beautiful you are or pay the bills. Just makes you cum. Holy shit! I'm a vibrator!
Never miss an opportunity to take something out of context and completely overreact.
Too cold for ice cream, too far for donuts.. this is probably how all the dinosaurs died.
I take the time every night to read your tweets to my children as part of my stay in school campaign.
I'm so tappin' that! - Me, every fish tank.
You'll drink from the toilet right after I flush, but one piece of kibble in your water bowl and all of a sudden I'm the asshole.
When cats finally start driving I am so gonna walk all over their cars!
I almost retweeted into the car in front of me…
There are so many creative, funny people on Twitter...it's gonna take forever to kill all of you. Thanks for changing a Hobby into a Career.
If your under the age of 25 and you think your life sucks then you had better brace yourself. Life has only given you the TIP of its Dildo.
Married to @Dorkstress, totally over followed, everything I say contains 10% Truth, I'm blocked by @jimmyfallon, and I have a Blog